Back to square one

I always thought that by having a certain someone, you would find comfortability in yourself. Having someone interested in you and you go out of your way to willingly dedicate yourself to someone, somehow redefines you. Although, some would argue, being involved with someone gives you a new agenda. Whether we like it or not, we become pieces of the people we become attached to and purely out of our control, we lose little pieces of ourselves in the process. 

I'm not actively involved in the dating world, nor am I in a relationship. I'm not a feminist or an enthusiast of one night stands, however, after entering a time of being classified as 'single', i have also been forced to not only meet new people, but also 're-meet' myself. 

Its funny, how we lose sight of ourselves when we are looking at someone else. 

I would like to believe that I am someone who has always stayed grounded, always held my individuality as a prized possession. But, no one can guarantee that you aren't going to meet someone one day and lose sight of what made you unique to begin with.

It's easy to get blinded.
Especially when you open up to everything and everyone, you become susceptible to your company's behaviour and without knowing, parts of you change.

I guess this is the hardest thing about breakups, deaths and any part of letting go of something. Because although you generally are distant from someone or something, parts of you, which weren't there before, remind you of them.

The way you say something, or laugh at certain things or recognise a certain smell- all play a part in trying to rekindle with yourself. You start to notice that although you thought you were still generally your own person, you became someone else. When that moment becomes obvious to you, you feel a little betrayed.

I don't know if betrayed is the right word, but I somehow felt stupid. To think that someone or something could alter your personality or emotions without your permission, is like robbing a kid of its candy.

But this isn't about love or heartache, its about reconnection. Realising that when you are alone, may be the best time to grow. I was always reminded when I was little, that you can grow yourself in other people.

I think it's wrong to think you can grow inside someone else. You can exist and be remembered, but i refuse to believe that you, as a person, can grow because of someone else.

I believe that as an individual, you have to be able to grow inside yourself. You have to know your rights and wrongs, your strengths and weaknesses. You have to be able to recognise that when you act indifferent to the person you used to be, can be either a negative or positive change.

It's been a few weeks of re-evaluation, realising what makes me happy and what makes me get out of bed in the morning. It's really hard, trying to pinpoint happiness. Trying to involve yourself in things that genuinely make you feel good inside.
What was hardest, was not trying to 'find' these things, but it was trying to keep them around.

It's easy to identify the things that make you happy, but it is the most difficult thing in life trying to maintain a life which actively involves these things constantly.

And the truth is? You can't.

Life is designed to weigh us down every now and then. Happiness isn't rare, but it isn't consistent either.

Discovering this, I discovered myself. I was open to the idea of failing and realising that it was okay to be confused and upset about certain things. I guess that is the best part about moving on and growing up. It still is the best part about my life right now.

It's accepting the unknown. It's being prepared for the worst so when it comes around, it will seem like the best.

I made friends with myself again and realised that time alone, was time well spent. That at the end of the day, whether you be arm in arm with a lover, family member or object, that you can still be yourself. That you will be entirely comfortable realising that you have your own back and that, for me, is the most important thing.

Realising that when you love yourself, and accept even your darkest corners that it radiates out of you. That when you reserve time for yourself- it doesn't mean that you have no friends, or that you should be scared to be alone with your own thoughts. It means that you are given a time to readjust, to pull yourself back on track.

Everyone is their own person, and when you are given a chance to be your own person and establish your ground again....embrace that.

Time is everything, although some say we don't have a lot of it- use as much as you can when it comes to rediscovering who you are.

Not all of us are 'lost' or letting go or trying to 're-meet' ourselves. I wouldn't consider myself lost or any of the above- however, there are times when I realise I am more parts of someone else, than I am parts of me.

And sometimes, whether its fate or choice, I am given the opportunity to hit refresh and return back to basics. Spend time with family and friends and recognise who I am again.

Sometimes, being pushed back to square one isn't necessarily a bad thing- in fact, sometimes it can be best thing that can happen to you.

That's all for now
x YDNR

Flaws and All

There was something that happened,

literally I changed overnight.

It scares me to think that this could be a temporary confidence,

or this new alter ego could change who I am completely.

Maybe, I just grew up and nobody knows when it happens, 

but when it does happen, 

you certainly know. 

Whether its heartbreak, relocation or change of appearance- when you wake up one morning and you realise that you don't care about certain things like you used to, a part of you questions whether or not this is it.

Is this the time where life has finally kicked in and I am free to think and feel entirely on my own?

In my nineteenth year, i would like to think i still have some childish hues in me, but recently apart from over drinking and under-thinking- i am starting to think that i have hit a wall and realised that i don't care as much as i did a couple months ago about particular things. 

"Not caring" is a little bit brutal. Don't consider me as a heartless wench who is arrogant and thinks her shit doesn't stink- because that would be misinterpreting what I am trying to say.

 It's more- I stopped sweating the small stuff. The 'small' stuff in my life became irrelevant and I realised that the things that broke me earlier on in life - I now saw as things that created gaps in my that allowed light to shine through. 

Pessimist or Optimist, I think I view my glass half full and there is really no evidence of when i became this way.

Maybe I could track it back to a particular moment, or time or event- but I can't. I wish I could, but then if I knew when it was going to happen- would it have happened.... I don't know. 

It's just an odd occurrence... and I can openly confess that this year hasn't been all rays of light. 

Through my blog- it has been undoubtedly noticeable that through my writing I have suffered dark patches in my life- which i stress- is normal.

I'm not and i cannot guarantee that i am the happiest as i can be right now, sure i am stressed and get overwhelmed and life could be a little clearer- but with everything that is going on around me, i feel like i am probably the most stable i have been in a long time. 

Life seemed overly complicated and I had a lot of people reminding me to just relax. It bothered me to think that I wasn't relaxed....ever.

I couldn't talk myself into relaxing or de-stressing and no matter how many times i tried to forgive and forget certain things in my life- it still seemed pretty miserable. 

I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew that I didn't want to live that life anymore. 

It wasn't a choice. Maybe it was? I am entirely at a loss of how I can explain this to you. All i know is that one day you wake up and realise that there are bigger and better things to furrow your brow over and that work becomes important, your goals become clearer and you realise that the respect you have for yourself- dominates everything.

Self-realisation, respect and love- probably the biggest thing I can highlight out of this. 

Its a self-appreciation, and when you learn to appreciate your values and qualities- so will others.

Nothing is more attractive than someone who knows that they are completely who they are meant to be and it is a huge part about growing up. Realising that even though you aren't a supermodel or the smartest, funniest kid in the sandbox, you are still unique.

It's a quality everyone has, and it is your choice whether or not you choose to see that and make that quality shine.

You are allowed to be confused and disorientated about who you are, it just means that you are still discovering who you are and who you want to become. 

But when you realise that makeup, friendship status and what other people think of you, doesn't represent who you are- then you are reaching that moment in your life of accepting who you are- and loving every part of it.

We can't prevent emotions, events and change.

We can anticipate the above and expect that life won't always be linear. 

If we saw how life bent for us, we wouldn't learn from the same mistake 3 times and we wouldn't have that scar near our eye. 

Life causes flaws and it is our job to accept them in our own time.

That's all for now!

Thanks again x

Ill take your friendship to the grave

Its one thing to realise that relationships can come and go, but its another thing to realise that without friends, you really have nothing.

It's played a huge role in the past couple of weeks to have a solid friendship group. With moving house, not working as much as I'd hope and just needing some personal company- it opened my eyes to how dependent I am on my friends.

It's important to have these experiences every now and again, so you remember exactly why it is you associate yourself with certain people in the first place.

For myself, I like to be alone and when things get difficult I tend to be a 'pusher'.  I like to fight things on my own and I find that I don't want to surround myself with people that will give me sympathy.

I don't know if that is a defense mechanism or just a way of proving that I am strong, but it has been in my blood since I can remember.

However, with that being said, I have realised how having close (and true) friends, can really benefit your health when struggling through tough times.

Sure, they may make me drink more alcohol than i weigh and they may drag me out of bed even when i don't want to, but at the end of the day, i feel a lot more secure knowing that even when i am going through a hard time, they still have my back.

It wasn't a huge deal to me when I was younger, to feel that I needed to surround myself in a huge friendship group. I guess that was just a part of high school and after I graduated- the friends that I associated myself with slowly disappeared.

Not that I am not friends with them now, its just I wasn't around them as often as I had hoped and in return, they weren't around me either.

I became distant and I became fond of the fact that I could tackle life head on, independently.

Don't get me wrong, it is a major tick in the box when someone can handle their own issues on their own.
But that doesn't go to say that it doesn't hurt to have a few good friends by your side chucking back shots when life gets you down and then still be there for you the next day waiting in the Maccas line hung over as hell.

I have learnt to appreciate the friends I have and it definitely is a you scratch my back ill scratch yours situation. Because I learnt a couple of weeks ago that relationships are easy. They can be broken quickly and they begin with hardly any effort.

But friendship takes maintenance and it is laborious work. But friendship is also the most rewarding because in friendship- nothing is guaranteed and nothing is expected.

You associate yourself with people with like minds and similar interest and all of a sudden they become a part of your everyday life routine.

If you're lucky, you'll become close as family and that's when you realise that your life wouldn't be the same without them.

You go about buying each other things, spending your time with particular people and investing bits of you in them without ever really confirming that they are going to return the same amount of effort towards you.

It's a risk- but a risk I have learnt is worth taking.
I am not a socially driven person and I'm quite shy when it comes to meeting new people. So it has taken me a while to adjust to having multiple friends who i trust entirely. But from an investment point of view, I would never want to return to a life where I tried to live life independently.

So I guess this is where my blog leads to-
try to make your friendships last. They are worth it. If they aren't mutual then you can weigh up the options of whether or not they are worth the time and effort.

But if you can't live a day without talking or seeing particular people in your life- don't. Invest in them and show that their friendship means everything to you and that yes, you will be taking their friendship to the grave.

That's all for now
Cheers x

Live a cluttered life: Simply.

I am an over-thinker. If you have worked with me, been associated with me or are currently friends with me- there would have been a time where you have seen me or heard me say "I'm overthinking this".

The fact that i know that i am over-thinker, makes me aware that there are times when my life can seem complicated, but it takes me a few seconds to see that i chose to see life with complex goggles on and instead should adjust my lens and to see it simply.

I wouldn't say my life is messy. I am a messy person and yes, forget to shower some days- but it doesn't necessarily mean my life should also be untidy.

It has been a very tiresome year for myself, with a lot of job changes, life decisions and currently I am living out of the back of my car for 10 days while i move house. 

It hasn't always been easy to enjoy welcoming the next day and I haven't always been able to breathe with ease knowing that life is exactly how I planned for it to be at this current time. 

For one, I definitely thought I'd have saved A LOT more money, and i thought i would of been nearly half way through my uni degree by now, but sitting in the present- i have not yet achieved any of those things. 

This would usually be the time when my heart would start to race and I would frantically call mum with lack of breath and switch from cruise control to self-destruction shutdown. 

Mentally- I have been exhausted from analysing life's little perks and forgot to focus on moving on with life instead of remaining in the past.

I am a dweller- self confessed- i love to dwell. Chuck on some green day and watch reruns of family guy, I loved to sit in my sorrows and throw myself a pity party. I never considered it something toxic to do, but in the past few weeks i realised that that was probably the main reason I was in a bad situation to begin with.

Living a cluttered life is a good thing. It means you are involved with many different people and things. Keeping active, mentally and physically and generally exhaust yourself doing things you love. If you live a cluttered life doing things you 'hate' means you are living your life 'complicatedly'. 

Living a complicated life, is something you need to remove from doing. That will kill you.

Maybe not kill you, but you will always be unhappy and therefore, your life will be far from being simple.

Live a cluttered life. It can be maintained and managed and although it may overwhelm you, happiness is still available.

I went through a period of time where I stopped doing everything I loved. I didn't surf, skate or even meet up with friends. And it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago when i began to surf again that I realised how such a simple activity brought such a large amount of happiness back into my life. 

It was that moment when I realised that although my life can be cluttered with various bumps in the road- it really is all in the eye of the beholder. 

WE choose whether or not we are going to wake up happy or stressed. We choose what we do with our lives and we create the atmosphere we surround ourselves in.

If you do not like it- move out of it. If you do not enjoy it- stop doing it. If you don't love it- find something else.

Life is all about motive and action- hence why they call us 'living'. I used to believe life was easy doing bare minimal and then I realised that life was hard trying to do 'nothing' all day.

Not that it's a choice to make, but it's something I am certainly happy about discovering earlier on rather than later.


Cheers,
x

Why I Do, What I Do

#HonestyPost

Ideally, I would love to start with saying that this is exactly how i planned for my life to be. However, in saying that, I would be lying through my teeth.

Lately, i have had a few comments on what i have been writing and the 'theme' of my blog and although some of it is relatively positive feedback, there are always going to be a few shadows that follow the sun.

These shadows are not entirely negative but do reflect concern and question the content of my writing. Most importantly, with ongoing 'shadows' appearing now and then, I have started to question myself and my blog.

From the beginning, I wanted to inspire and educate- not that I don't want to do that now, but I find it a struggling task to be consistently providing nurturing and happy articles. In reality, life isn't always positive and that's where my blog reflects my life.

My blog is realistic, and I find that although if I post positive blogs, some people are not as interested in my happiness or advice as much as they are about my problems and darker posts. I also found that when I started to open up with my writing and started to present a more 'personal' side to my blog- that's when the comments and feedback began.

It wasn't all about being inspirational or telling people how to live their life, my blog became a metaphorical shoulder to lean on and people responded to that.

Although posting some darker thoughts has stirred the pot a bit, I recognised where my audience was. Although it became tiresome reassuring my parents and family that I was indeed happy and fine and yes my posts might be darker than usual, I still kept true to what i believed was worthy of posting.

I didn't write to reassure people that i was happy, i wasn't writing to lie to people about my teenage life, and i will continue to write dark and light posts because its what is true and that's all my blog needs to be.

I didn't plan on my blog becoming something well recognised and I guess I assumed that maybe my writing was never going to be read to a larger audience. This isn't what I expected, but it has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

People who i think wouldn't even bother reading my blogs comment and message me with feedback about how its helped them and thanking me.

I never saw myself being 'thanked'. I was just writing about my life, but in a way that I was writing for myself, people found reassurance in themselves by hearing that they aren't alone.

I guess it was a big thing for me to write the articles I do on my blog, and courage wasn't necessarily rewarded. I have struggled, and yes, my life isn't 100% full of happiness, however I do the best I can.

I think that was a big thing for me, and a big thing for my readers to understand. That my blog became a lot more serious than i intended it to be and all of a sudden i felt responsible for a crowd of people who relied upon hearing how i recover from personal struggles or would wait to read yet another emotionally driven piece.

Basically, the reason I do what I do, or 'post what I post' is generally because of how my feedback has sculptured and nurtured my reasons to blog.
I began to blog with no general purpose, it was just a 'time-filler' and the motivation to keep blogging was introduced later on down the track.

I found a purpose doing what I love without searching for it, and I was very lucky in finding that.
My mistakes became my reader's blanket and it restored faith back into people's lost hope.

I wouldn't pat myself on the shoulder or i wouldn't even call my blog one of the best- all i can say is that people come to my blog and read my writing because they know what they are looking for - and they know they are going to find it here.

Every emotion, mistake, inspiration- everything is welcome here, and I believe that my blog is genuine and humane and that without a few darker posts every now and then- i would be erasing half of my life. That's not what I'm here for.

So, thank you for hanging in for this rant
#rantover

Until next time
x

5 Personalities of Alcohol

"I wish i hadn't waited until i was about to pee my pants that yes, it was time to go to the bathroom. Typical- the girls line is out the door and i am now going to have to hold on for another 15 minutes to just get my head in the door. Why are the boys toilets ALWAYS free, no line, in and out. Surely, if i just sneak in and use a cubical they won't mind...Okay, f*** it, i'm going in. F***, is that what i look like, i can't even right now. OMG, how drunk am i? This toilet is too warm its going to make me vomit, okay get it together, i can't even stand up.. Tequila, i blame you. No toilet paper? No problem, i got this. How long have i been in here for?"

#1 Shy converted Confident

We all have that one friend. They are really hard to convince to get out of the house, at the beginning of the night they are swinging their keys in their hand like they are driving home which means NO booze and they are the only ones you actually want to come out because you know after a few rumbo's and tequila shots- they are the life of the party.
Sure, they may be hard to ease into a conversation and they aren't the best people and introducing to your friends and they stand awkwardly at the bar and whisper the first order to the bartender. They obviously don't like the idea of crowded areas and loud music, but thats when you come into play. After texting back and forth all day, and promises being made that you'll stay with them all night and forcing them to come out, they finally give in every now and then. These are the nights that are usually the best. 

So after a few shots and splutters and 'casual' drinks, you haul their ass out to a club and finally you let that demon run free. They shyness is pushed to the back of their head and their ego has gotten the best of them. Their 'mojo' is in control and you no longer have to guide them. Instead- they are picking up and dragging people over to meet you- people that they don't even know. 

The dance floor is no match for them- they own the night. The camera guy loves them, they have photos with thousands of people around them and they are the ones dancing on tables and yelling "SHOTS' at the bar.

However, be careful of your new over confident friend because they can also get themselves into trouble. If someone just so 'bumps' them or breathes under their breathe about them, it can turn sour very quickly. And your shy friend that doesn't usually talk let alone raise a fist- all of a sudden wants a fight- and its only going to end badly for one person. YOU.

#2 Obnoxious, Sleezy and Everything Creepy

This is mainly for the guys.

These are the guys that have come with a group of mates purely to just pick up. They are hunters- mean and eager- too eager. They are usually way too old for you, and they're pick up lines are way too common that you can finish their sentence for them. They buy you a drink (generous), however, after they buy you this drink, they assume they now own you and continue to do so all night long. If you are into this... go for gold. But in my case- not so much my thing. They are so drunk that when they talk to you, all you can smell is what they have been drinking and they can't even look you in the eyes. Slurry words, lazy eyes and cheap compliments are the biggest turn offs.

 I don't know who you think you are, or what you think you are doing, but grabbing my ass, breathing on my neck or doing anything to burst my personal 'bubble' is considered the above ^. 

Just because i like to look nice when i go out, does not mean it gives you immediate access to my waist, behind, hand or anything to do with me at all- unless i give you permission to do so.

This also means no lurking, staring, following or obsessive stalking. 
Do not follow me or just so happen to 'run' into me at the bar, dance floor, toilet, 7/11 etc.
I know who you are, i know what your game plan is and boy- you are coming on wayyyyy to strong. 

Ease up turbo- give it a rest. Go have a drink with your mates- play it cool. No girl is ever going to want someone that obsessive- its repulsive and creepy and the only guy i would look at other than you is security- to haul you the heck away from me. 

#3 Just wanna shake that thang

The ultimate party friends. Alcohol is their best friend- however they are only there for the music. These are the people who don't ditch you to go home with somebody at the end of the night, they don't end up with black eyes or in the back of paddy wagons- they are crazy clean fun and constantly remind you that "this is their jam".

Time after time, you get tired of holding peoples hair back and dragging people away from police and texting the person your with where they are only to find out they left 3 hours ago.

If you have people like this in your life - you need to get some "Just wanna shake that thang" alcoholic friends. 

These friends are the best people to go out with, because they are confident but not egotistical- they have old school dance moves that match every single song that is played, and even when the dance floor is empty- they aren't afraid to show you what their mama gave them. 

Cudos to them- without people like this, dance floors would be empty and we would forget how to dance like sprinklers.


#4 D and M

I am going to start with saying, you have to be in the mood for these drunks.
If you are in the mood- excellent! Vent some old school memories, the hate you have for that friend you came out with, how heart broken you are and whatever you need to do. 

However, if you are NOT in the mood and a D and M drunk wants to talk for hours about love, life and how the universe came to be- you're going to wish you never came out and you have never sobered up so quickly before in your life.

D and M drunks are also not usually permanent. These friends are the ones that are usually one of the other 5 i have mentioned, but have had something happen to them lately in their life that they get so drunk, everything they have bottled up inside comes pouring out. 

It is then up to you, whether or not you want to be there for your friend or not. If they are never there for you- understandable to let them go, but if they always have your back- give them and ear or shoulder and give the night a rest. 

D and M drunks can also be sub categorial. Sometimes they don't want to vent about disasters, torture and misery. Sometimes they want to talk about sports, their new job or rave about their new relationship/crush. Either way, if you get stuck with them you have two choices. 

To listen it out or to bail- either way, the night is yours.

#5 Toilet Bowl Inspector

There isn't much to say about this drunk. But two words pretty much sums this one up. 
"Game Over".

Whether its at pre's, the middle of the night or in a bush on the walk home- these friends have peaked and they are tagging out.

 

30 seconds

Thirty

His jacket was heavy, smelt of old coffee grind and cheap cigarettes. The pockets were too far down to put my hands in, so i reached out for his. His nails were long, and it weirded me out, but when i met his eyes they became beautiful. Flaws in him, were thorns among roses. They were apart of something so magnificent, that the air in my lungs became water, and soon i was drowning. 
Sure, we weren't 100% compatible. He was arrogant and stubborn and gorgeous. He hated holding hands and kissing and doing anything which resembled compassion. I, on the other hand, would of parted the ocean to reach for his touch and I loved being or doing anything which made me apart of something else in this world. We were in fact, complete opposites. 
But here we were, just the two of us. Not sure really, if it was by choice, or fate, or some sort of zodiac aligning, but we were here, together. It could of been anyone but him, and it could of been anybody else but me, but when i look at him and see everything in him, that i used to think i didn't need in life- i realised that sometimes love is uncanny, and sometimes your heart realises it's love before your head does.

Twenty

When the days are dark and the sun hides for a while, i used to believe this was when people would fall. These were the days where people would lie on each other's chest, and hear their hearts beating and instantly they would know, that there isn't anywhere else in the world they would rather be. My world became a little bit smaller every day. My world caught the bus at six a.m to work every morning and my world would also take all the blankets in the middle of the night. My world smiled when my jokes were funny, but also smiled when they weren't. I don't know if he knew it or not, but he spun on his own pedestal in my universe and had his own gravity. I was drawn towards him when the sun rose and i danced around his core when the sun set. 
Life was so full, and and even when he wasn't around, everything balanced. It was incredible, how i grew. How i was so afraid of the unknown, yet it was the unknown that held the better parts of me. His arms were strong and i would call them home. The way his hand was too big for my own, still made us fit together like puzzle pieces. Even when he hugged me and what felt like a thousand bones breaking, i knew that i was not broken, but he was putting me back together. I admired him for taking on a project that had already been damaged. I wasn't beacons of light that shone through the cracks in his door and i wasn't a flower that drank the day and held my head tall. When we met i was weak, and he made me stronger. 
Lets just say that i had been drugged, for a very long time, and suddenly i became sober.
Life wasn't dark without him, but when i look back on a time without him around, life seems faded and now it was saturated.

Ten

Have you ever been asked to describe how you feel. Describing what it was like to love him was like trying to remember a dream. Trying to put words to something that is so beyond literature and intelligence itself. I tried to think how i could describe him in a way that made sense, that could make people understand. But then i realised that understanding love isn't about numbers and words and months or dates. It was about the way my heart stopped beating when he was near and even when it felt like i could die every time he held me, i thought what a wonderful way to die that would be.
I never asked him whether he loved me or not, and i never asked him how he felt about me. I didn't want to know. In a way, i might of been scared that our love wouldn't be the same, and i thought it would be foolish of me to deny myself loving him, just because he didn't see love the way i did. 
So i loved him everyday.
I find it displeasing to deny one self the serenity of love. The calm, but yet exquisite way how it can change your whole view of yourself, of life and time. So, instead of asking him how he felt about me, i closed my eyes and believed that it didn't matter whether he told me or not, my love for him, which was already so deep, would be too hard to climb out of.

Zero
I knew she felt about me like kids did about their first teddy bear. Protective, compassionate, attentive, adoring- everything that someone could ask for. Although sometimes i was concerned that she wasn't living her life because her life revolved around me and what i did, i knew that she shouldn't ever have to worry. I loved her. 
Like the way the waves kiss the shore over and over again, i would always return to her. She was mine, and whether or not she knew that, i didn't know. Because over time, she would realise that i wouldn't go anywhere without her hand in it, and that her name would be the only words on my lips. Over time, she will eventually realise that a life without her in it, was a life i no longer wanted to be apart of. Over time, without words, without questions, she will soon see that although she never asked me how i felt, or even if we never talk about love- the way that her eyes spark a fire in mine, will continue to burn.

I loved her, i still love her. And i don't know if her love for me, will amount to the love i hold for her, but what i do know, is that at the end of each day when she is lying on my chest and pieces of her hair get caught around my tongue, that there is no other way i could see myself.
I grew a lot when i met her. I realised that we weren't kids anymore and that one day, i wont want to see a day without her in it. I realised that money was just paper and that drinking and drugs and everything that i once used to love doing became inferior compared to her. 
I didn't need anything else but her. I hope she knows that. 
But just as we are complete opposites, she is my positive to my negative and i am the white to her black. Like the sun and the moon, we will always rotate around each other and the stars will stand there laughing about how foolish we are to never admit our love to each other.
But, its just the way we are. 
The mystery is the romance, and it is not denying but requesting to expect each other to feel the same way.
We accept and we know of what sum we love each other, but we came to an agreement about never discussing love. Because discussing love in our eyes, is like cheating. It becomes a benchmark and every day, and every minute you are caught constantly comparing each others love to one another. Love isn't about being discussed or established, love is about feeling and living.
And i live in her, as i believe she will always live within me.
Is it good enough? Is it worth it?
We will never know.
But what i do know is... that i love her to my full potential, the maximum capacity and even more. 
And the rest is unknown.

Because i once heard her say
"i was once so afraid of the unknown, yet it was the unknown that held the better parts of me".