Nobody told me that there'd be days like these

Ive been stuck for weeks now,

sat with a blank mind and sweaty palms.

Ive been stuck here for months now,

with blind eyes and dry lips.

Ive been stuck here for years now,

with white knuckles and a stomach that flies.

So its been a while since my last blog post.
A while has felt like years, and the longer i wait to post something, the more anxious i get that i'm not fulfilling my dreams. I wouldn't have really said that i have been 'waiting', but i have been at a complete loss for words.

I get moments where it all comes naturally, the poems, the stories, everything. Where my mind is full and the creative part of me is alive.

Lets say i've been dead for weeks. 

I thought i was on the right path, and life couldn't of been brighter. I had university plans, i had a thriving job and i was finally on track. 

Lately, i feel like i've been shoved into a corner, and the only way out is by pressing my back against the wall hoping that it will break.

My university plans were put on hold (due to the course i was meant to begin, being completely the opposite of what i wanted to do) and i changed jobs, due to lack of interest and poor sleeping patterns.

I didn't see the wave coming, but boy did it drown me.

Im surfacing now, barely. Im coming to terms with the fact that life isn't always easy, and even when you think you are in the clear, a thousand trees grow around you and once again, it is so easy to become lost again.

I have to wait until the new year to start my journalism course, and i'm working a job which gives me my nights off but not my days. Its tiring, and i find myself struggling to find the time to write anything anymore. 

I am surrounded by friends and family, who i adore and at the moment are my world, but i still have those nights where i feel alone.

Its been tough, and i would like to say that i am happy with where i am at in life and i would like to say that it doesn't keep me up at night, but it does.

Financially, i am doing okay. But every time i think about my future, i struggle to see myself saving enough to live or even successfully buy my first home. Its always been by goal to own a house by the age of 21. But when i put my mind to it, it becomes so...grey.

I turned 19 a few weeks ago and already i'm struggling to see myself turning 21 in 2 years and having enough money to own a home. I feel like time is racing ahead of me, and i'm sitting here struggling to remember what day it is.

However, it isn't all doom and gloom. Maybe it is? I don't know. But i had to really kick myself back into gear and to sit myself down and continue writing. Its what i love and i realised that without it, anxiety and fear come tapping on my shoulder.

I feel like i am not the only one that experiences this. Tell me i am right?

That days like these come around and we all tackle them with all the strength we have, but sometimes... its just not enough.

That even when the sun is shining and the sky is blue, that even the best of days can be your worst.

So, like many of you, i have been trying. Trying to feel better about what i am doing, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and fighting to believe that in a few weeks i will look back on this and realise that this was just a 'phase'.

Its hard you know? 

To be surrounded by people you love, to work a job which pays you a decent wage and to have some sort of blueprint of your life in the back of your mind and still feel so completely helpless about where you are and what you're doing.

Sometimes i feel ungrateful. I feel ignorant for not appreciating the life i have and instead, considering myself in a 'rut'. But the truth is, i'm not ignorant. I'm not ungrateful. I'm just a little misguided. I am and so are you, allowed to feel completely helpless.

We are allowed to let our thoughts impact our emotions and it is completely humane to cry for no reason and let our fears and stress weigh us down. If we didn't, we would become too proud. We would become people who are not grounded and everything would feel like anything and life would not be as rewarding.

So, i wouldn't say that i have been happy with being in a slump and i wouldn't say that the past few weeks have been tolerable. But i will say that i'm learning. I'm constantly growing and that when i think about the future, i'm accepting that days like these will occur and that this corner is not so dark anymore.

That days like these, where life seems too crowded and our hearts race in the middle of the night are all apart of living.

That being alive is a challenge and that although i may not be the strongest person in the room, i am certainly a stronger person than i was yesterday.

The past few weeks have been torture. But, although it has taken me a few weeks to realise it, everything will be okay. It took a few long nights and a few cold showers to wake me up and realise that i want to remain ambitious and proud of the person i am today and that no matter how many times life pushed me down into this corner, that i will remain persistent to stand up out of it.

Now, i don't know if this blog makes any sense what so ever, or if it is just brain mumble.
But really, i wanted to make a clear point.

That I have been fighting with a few bumps in the road, that life hasn't been smooth sailing for a few weeks and that yes, my mind has been anything but clear.
That my days have been dark and i was forced to tell myself that a day will come where my stomach won't be tight and my eyes will be dry.

That although people like me, who seem like they have it all figured out... are still as confused and can still be as easily lost as the person next to you. 

That even the people who are smiling, can be crying on the inside too.

But my main point,
Time doesn't stop for anyone. That the sun will still rise and even if you don't, the world will still turn.
That you can spend as long as you want figuring out what is wrong and deciphering what is going on in your life. Because its okay to feel down and it's okay to be upset for no reason and that it, is, okay for you to have days, weeks or months even, where you feel like the darkness isn't fading. 

But i want you to know, that you are not the only one experiencing days like these. 

No one told me that i could go through days like this, and i certainly wasn't taught how to emerge out of them.

So i am here telling you, that you will have days like these, and to not be scared or upset of frightened about them. That they are normal, that they will end and that without days like these, 
life wouldn't be as bright as it is, when the darkness fades. 

Goodnight all x 

A letter you will never read

The following content is of fiction. What has been written is for pure entertainment and literacy purposes only. 

Everyone always says 'if only i could turn back time'. Like rewinding our history and trying to prevent our actions would magically heal our open wounds.
People refer to past mistakes as regrets and the only excuse that comes to their mind is 'if i could live it over again, there would be so many things i would do differently'.

I don't enjoy the pain. Remembering what it was like to have you around. I don't like seeing your eyes when i close mine and i hate being reminded of you every time i bury my face into my pillows.
I hate the way you left, like you were insignificant to people, to me. I hate the way you were so selfish in thinking that life was unbearable for you, but you never thought about how taking yourself away would make mine meaningless.

I always heard of people doing it. For reasons unknown. Mainly pain and low self esteems, others who weren't in a stable frame of mind. But you? You were so lucky. You were loved.

I don't know what more i could of done to make you feel whole. I gave you pieces of me, to fill the gaps in you. You took more of me with you, more of me that i could afford to give away. Metaphorically speaking, you took advantage of that, and now i am left with empty spaces which cannot be filled unless you were to return. Sure, someone may come along and try to repair the broken parts of me, but once a record is scratched, it will never sound the same again.

I can't imagine what sort of anguish you were in, or how much pain you tried to carry. All i know is that it became too much of a burden for you.

What hurts the most is that i will never know. I will never be able to discover what it would of been like if i could of saved you. I don't know what i would of said if i ran into the room before you kicked over that chair. Maybe you would of realised that by the tears down my cheek and the fear in my eyes, that you meant more to me than you had ever known.

There are indefinite moments where i do wish i could turn back the clock or relive a time where your hands were still in mine. However, i have also been forced to accept that this is also what you wanted. That your life, although was absolute to me, was nothing to you. That for whatever reason it was, you felt an undying want to rid yourself from not only my life, but of everyone else's. Your presence was anything but ordinary, but you failed to see the brightness in you that lit up my life.

I keep ringing your phone, listening to your voicemail. Like hearing your voice will some how bring you back. I look at your facebook page everyday, like there'll be a new status or photo and every burning inch of my body will heal.

I sat at the end of the cliff. The one where we both said 'i love you'. Its weird without you here, knowing that you didn't leave because of fate, but because you left by choice. It's something that you thought was going to be better for you, but you forgot about who you were leaving behind and how heavy it would weigh upon our shoulders. The waves were crashing, and all i could think of was, was my body washing up against the shore. About how falling from such a great height, couldn't hurt as much as it does, sitting up here without you.

A life without you is something that i could never of imagined, and now i am torn between living a life without you, and not living at all.

It is the hardest thing, weighing up my own life only because you were greedy with yours. It is so unfair that you were able to let go so easily, and you have left me with this dry taste in my mouth that not even water can hydrate.

My nail beds bleed from long nights of missing you, and my stomach is tangled with trying to imagine what your last thoughts were.

Why didn't you write a letter? Out of all the things you could of done, you could of at least written something. Some sort of excuse, or reason. Anything but nothing.

Because all i know is, that i wandered around your room when they were placing you in that bag, and all i saw were things that were worthless. Pieces of you left scattered on the floor, pieces of you, which didn't reveal anything that could of explained why you left.

Most of all, I hate you for leaving me here. How dare you think that i wanted to be here without you. I despise the idea that you thought i would be able to survive a life without you. I think the cruelest thing about your suicide is that you led me to believe you loved me and then you disappeared without even saying goodbye. Like i wouldn't even notice you would be gone.

How could i not notice?
There is this massive gash right across the left of my chest and it doesn't stop bleeding. Slowly it will heal over time, its just fact, but when i am older, i will have this scar that will do anything but fade.

People will ask me where i got it from and all that i will say is,
I once had a heart,but someone needed it more than i did.