Mid Blog Crisis?

Blogging is fucking hard.

To find something to write about and expand on it from your own personal perspective is easy... but to actually relate to people and blog about something an audience enjoys, i find an everyday challenge.

Blogging for me- its my job.
I enjoy writing- its my passion and gives me a rush of adrenalin when i see that other people are liking what they hear.

However, this isn't always the case.

There are times when i get low. When i write about something I feel is blockbuster worthy and all of a sudden, no one is interested in it.

Its also hard to find material to write about- which hasn't already been written.
I dont want to write about how to do your makeup in the morning or what clothes are 'in' at the moment.
Thousands of people do that.

Maybe vlogging is the way to go? Youtube is becoming increasingly popular and its alot easier to voice your opinions than write them down.

For me its the opposite. I stutter, i freeze i forget what im talking about- whether blogging? I can actually read, edit and take the time to think about what i am going to say next.

I guess im just caught up at the moment. There are a thousand things i want to write and say/ but i dont know if anyone is going to listen.

Its also very hard building an audience without being rich or famous.
No one wants to hear what a teenage girl has to say unless she is dating justin bieber or has some sort of moral high ground in hollywood.

Tweeting is also difficult. Everyone does it, but its a dog eat dog world out there. People follow you only to receive a follow back and boom- they unfollow you instantly.
People only tweet to hear about what snoop dog is smoking next or who will be involved in the next lip syncing battle with Jimmy Fallon.

Its a brutal industry, and to be getting involved at what i thought was a young age- only has shown me that im already three years too late. 

There are thousands of bloggers and although when you're acknowledged as an upcoming journalist- you are literally one out of a million other teenagers auditioning.

This takes a toll on my individuality and makes me reconsider my life's ambitions. Is it worth it? Am i writing for nothing. Is it a dead end or will my voice ever be heard?

I dont know. Right now im sort of 'winging' it. I dont know if people enjoy my writing or if my blogs will ever make a change or relate to someone other than my mum. I dont know if this career line will be able to feed my potential family or will assist in helping me buy my first home.

All i know is that, although i receive negative feedback every now and then, and sometimes i don't get as many viewers as hoped, i enjoy what i do.

I love being able to write my opinions and although not everybody can relate to my blogs or can be bothered reading what i have to say- at least i know i will always be doing something that i love.

Its really easy to throw in the towel and go hop on the conformation train. 
I could become a nurse, lawyer, dentist or follow some other occupational road- however, i would not be doing what i love.

And without passion or love behind your work- you will never have motivation to keep doing what you're doing, even when the going gets tough.

Its something i'm struggling with right now- but i keep faith in the fact that maybe one day things will turn clear and suddenly i'm writing for a stadium full of people and not just people sitting around my dining table.

Same goes for you- keep faith in your hard work now. Keep training, keep studying, keep singing- keep doing whatever it is that gets your blood boiling and your heart kicking- because its what you love. You shouldn't go a day without doing what you love most. 

Cheers for listening to me rant.
Thats all for now x 

What's black, white and read all over?

They are unnecessarily large, get caught in even the slightest of breeze and have font that even at 18 years old... i consider needing a stronger prescription for my glasses.

In the off chance that i do pick one up, or purchase the local newspaper whilst waiting for a delayed flight, i have discovered the beauty behind this decreasingly popular form of media.

It doesn't necessarily mean i enjoy reading about politics, or i am interested in the international currency exchange - its more of a metaphor.

Like John Green's character 'Augustus' mentions in the novel "the fault in our stars"about a cigarette- its having the ability to hold something and having the power to not let it kill you.

It is holding onto what little we have left of the past. As technology is becoming more diverse and intricate, devices/ media and other objects are being upgraded and with that- older editions of these creations are losing their significance in our daily lives. 

With smaller devices, easier accessibility to the daily news and a rapidly changing future for our mediums, the newspaper is something that i can see failing to exist within future generations.

The newspaper, i established, possesses the quality of a mental aid. Well to me it does.

It reminds me that although i can be captivated and drowned amongst the multiple social networks developing around me, i still have the rare opportunity to hold onto a dying form of media at the cost of $2.50

In generations to follow, paper will be digital and like everything else now-a-days, the newspaper will no longer contribute to everyday society and instead will be completely obliterated to just being another app underneath our fingertips.

Sad isn't it?

I have the time now, to stop and appreciate that when my sweaty palms, clasp onto the Sydney Morning Herald, that the ink will seep into my hands. That the words printed onto bleak paper are real and that angry birds or candy crush will never be as challenging as the page 12 cryptic crossword. That there will never be anything more frustrating that completing the sudoku or puzzler and then having to wait until tomorrow's paper to see if i got my answers right. 

I have the time, and the priviledge to appreciate that the sound of the rustling newspaper will instantly remind me of my granparents, tea and a business man with a suit and tie getting his daily news and updates whilst on the bus to work. 

It associates me with the world we live in now. It relates me to the world i am currently enveloped in and brings me to a sudden ease of mind knowing that technology and the new 'iwhatever',  hasn't consumed me- not yet anyway. 

Alone vs Loneliness

I face the fear that i may end up 'alone' one day, but i wouldnt necessarily call it a 'fear'. To end up alone could mean a variety of things. I could have loved and lost and be 'alone' or i could be content with living on my own- i dont know what future me will entitle.

However, i know that i dont want to end up being 'lonely'.

Being alone, and feeling lonely are two completely different things.

I love being alone. Its actually healthy to be alone once in a while- i may be alone a little too frequently, but that is just who i am and how i am comfortable.

What i dont love is feeling 'lonely'. No one does.

Being alone is a self made decision. You isolate yourself from the outside and prefer the company of your self. You have some time to reflect, to meditate or to remember who you are. You can set goals, achieve them and gain a larger perspective of life. Being alone can possess that of a comfort zone.

Some people also get confused between loneliness and being 'alone. They are seen as the same thing in many people's eyes and therefore the two are portrayed as a negatory emotion.

I am here to tell you that being 'alone' is not to be considered as 'lonely' and being alone is healthy and you shouldn't classify the two as each other.

Loneliness is an emotion. It is something you feel when you are isolated without choice and therefore you feel like you are not wanted, not needed and therefore can lead to depression. Loneliness is something you do not choose. It chooses you.

Being alone is a choice. You have the option to be alone and it does not come hand in hand with being lonely.

Taking some time off to sit by yourself and read a book or partake in any activity singularly, means that  you have chosen to be by yourself and be alone as an individual. It gives you time to get back to your roots and to allow yourself some room to breathe.

Being alone allows yourself to acknowledge who you are and where you are going in life and you have the time to clear your mind and get back to who you are. Talk to yourself, look at your life and realise that by being alone- you are independant and you are someone who is unlike any other individual.

Loneliness, its miserable. We have all been there. Its not something that we want to feel- and on the off hand that we do experience this emotion, it can lead us into a black hole. It can isolate us from who we are and instead of feeling 'alone' by choice- we feel like we have no other option but to feel this way and it can lead to some serious medical conditions.

To refrain from feeling 'lonely' we must allow ourselves to feel content with being 'alone'.

We should not see being 'alone' as a negatory thing and therefore should not feel 'lonely' when being 'alone' is thrust upon us.

Depression is a serious matter and i believe that these two things- these two completely different things are two of the main reasons that lead to depression.

Society has painted an image that loneliness and being alone are the same. And our judgements of the two are seen as a defect in our lives.

If someone says "i just want to be alone", we automatically assume that they are 'lonely' or are depressed and therefore we label them as depressed or in some sort of dark place.

As a society if someone says "i just want to be alone" we dont see it as they want to self reflect, or relax or just take a break from seeing their friends or work collegues. No, we judge them and label them and them push them into a state of mind where they themselves then think that they are 'lonely'.

Its okay to be alone. Its healthy and natural. We are individuals for a reason and we arent designed to be around other people 24 hours of the day. We grow tolerant of those around us, and naturally enjoy the company of others, but we are also built to enjoy the company of ourself.

We are allowed to want some time to be on our own, enjoy our life as no one else has walked in our shoes and we are allowed to choose when we want to be alone and when we don't want to be.

We are allowed to be alone. Yes, yes we are. If anyone tries to tell you differently, they are lying to themselves as not one individual in their life should not want to be alone. If they need people around them 24/7 or remain fixed on the idea of always having someone around them- they are the one with the 'medical condition' as they are too insecure to feel content in their own skin.

The constant need of human interaction may be seen as 'harmless' but you lose yourself amongst the crowd. You forget who you are, what your characteristics make you and where you want to be in your own life. People who need the company of others- live in the lives of those around them and forget their origins. They dont have fulfillment in their own lives and therefore choose to forget their life and create a 'better' life in their friends and foes.

If anything- being alone shouldn't be seen as a symptom of 'depression' or a 'lonely' emotion, but people who need to surround themselves with others consistently, need to be classified as something related to dark mind.

Needless to say- im tired of people thinking im sad or depressed because i enjoy my own company. I dont need a secure friendship group or a boyfriend or an army of facebook followers. I am entirely happy on my own and anything on top of that is a bonus.

When i am lonely- i have my close friends and family beside me- but i am tired of the two being seen as the same. god. damned. thing.

Let this be a little lesson to those who havent taken a break by themself lately- it will work wonders.
And for those who are alone- or are called 'lonely'. Its healthy and you shouldn't beat yourself up for allogations of being 'alone'. You are comfortable in your own skin and you are a stronger person for that.

You dont need security as you have it in yourself and you will always know that whether you do have a million friends in the future or a family - that at the end of the day- you can always trust that you can and will be able to survive happily, alone.


Goodnight x

Young- is it a definition or a state of mind?

He said to be young and meet new people. But i am young, and there isnt really anything to it. Being young is an age. Its a state of mind which i can say i have never really been in. I have never been 'young', im an old soul and although my age is foreseen as an adolescent- i have never lived 'young'. What is it like to be young? What defines us?

Its like i skipped that chapter in my life. I like wine with cheese and listening to dexys midnight runners while discussing business opportunities with my parents. I dont like the clubs which play remixes of old classics that should be untouched and loud cars with cheap exhausts and the girls who don't dream because their parents never taught them how. 

Being young is overrated. You are meant to drink, experiment drugs, have sex and lose little pieces of your mind every saturday night one weekend at a time. When you reach your mid 20's thats when you are meant to act like a grown up.

Its almost like you are given a guilt free pass for 4 years from 18- 22 years of age where its okay to be stupid. Its okay to be a little fucked up sometimes and people just see you as young, immature and inexperienced with the world. 

Is it okay to be this way? Sure. Its fucking fun and every now and again i indulge in the typical teenage scene. I skull a few smirnoff double blacks and put on a face full of makeup and paint the town red. Is it okay to be known as young and dumb. Yes it is. Is it okay to regret it? No.

However, i feel like i may be missing out on something. I feel like im older than i am meant to be at this age and i feel like that im missing out on being a teenager. I stay at home with a cup of tea, a glass of red wine and watch game of thrones until my eyes get weak by 10:30. 

I enjoy the company and wisdom of my parents and i enjoy having goals for my future. I look forward to having kids of my own and i enjoy the thought of owning my own house and having a secure job. 

Needless to say, i feel like i missed out on those years where i look forward to having one night stands, smoking weed and forgetting about the life ahead of me. I dont understand the concept of getting completely wasted and forgetting the night. I dont understand the idea of not knowing what to do with my life or what boy to hook up with next.

People call me mature for my age, but is this a good thing. Im caught in a crossroad. 

I love the idea of knowing where i am at with my life, and what steps to take next in order to get to where i want to be. But for this to happen, i let go of going out every weekend and dancing with random people in loud clubs. In order for me to be happy in the future, i risk being happy now.

I guess i need some guidance. I need to know how to act my age and be taught how to enjoy being 18 while i am still young. I need someone to say, "its okay to let go every now and then" be young while it lasts.

I envy those who do whatever they want because they are 'carefree' and dont consider the repercussions of their actions in the present.

I envy the life of the kids my age, because its not that i cant do what they are doing, its just, i dont really know how.

I dont know how to be 'young', i dont understand why nightclubs are so fun and exciting and i dont really care if i have a guy to be with every weekend. 

I have bigger motivations and goals, and for that, i sacrifice my guilt free years.

Sometimes i feel like maybe im boring. I feel like im dragging those around me down because i dont understand what theyre talking about when they want to get 'wasted' and 'lose their mind'.

I understand the concept of drinking to an extent, but when i start to forget the nights of partying and going out with friends, i dont enjoy it. I want to get to know people, where i can hear them and hear about their life. I dont want to feel their hands grab my ass as i walk by and have them give me a creepy wink. What is that? Is that a 'hello', is that their way of trying to get my attention.

Im not for that.

I want to know what its like to be unemployed and not worry about money. I want to know what its like to go to every festival that comes round and lay in the sun with a beer in my hand and not worry about work the next morning. 

What makes us young? What defines being a teenager? Is it drinking every weekend? Is it having over a thousand friends on facebook. Is it taking drugs and losing your mind every weekend?

If it is? Im not young. I have never been young and frankly, it doesnt appeal to me. 

Fuck, i may sound like the most boring person. But really, being young isnt what i thought it would be.

Being young means being healthy, being able to do things older people cant. Having the motivation and drive to do better and to achieve more than the generation before me. Being young to me, means freedom to do what i want. I dont want to be defined by how many nights i go out or by who i hooked up with last weekend. I dont want to be defined as young by how many drugs ive taken or how much alcohol i can handle.

I believe that if i am to be defined as young it means i have aspirations to see the world. That i have enough time in my life to be able to travel, have kids, meet someone who loves me and to be able to have the chance to have a job that i love. 

Being young is being given time. Its saying 'hey, your 18 now, dont throw those years away to alcohol and drugs' do something with your time that will make you who you are and be proud of what you accomplish'. 

I can go out when i want to and how i want to. But just because i dont enjoy my younger years like most, doesnt mean that i am not 'young'.

If anyone tells me differently, they can fuck off. I believe im doing the right thing with my time, and i dont want to waste my younger years only to get to my mid 20's and not be happy or not know what i am doing with my life.

My state of mind is different and if thats okay with me, thats all that matters.

If your state of mind, is okay with you... then that is perfectly fine aswell.

Moral of the blog... "time you enjoyed wasting, is not time wasted". 

Everyone is different, and dont feel the need to conform to socieites definition of 'young'. If you enjoy clubbing and so on... do it. If you are like me and feel like youd rather spend your nights preparing for your future, you are not old and boring- you have just chosen a different path.

Thats all for now bloggers and readers,

ill be in touch soon x 

The lake

FICTION

I dont like poems or happy endings and my story doesnt begin with once upon a time.
My writing is daft and my spelling isnt always perfect but my words are hymns to those who like to read.

When the sun would meet the the lips of the ocean, thats when we would meet. His van was like a rolling cloud of marijuana smoke and the beatles sang from his stereo. He would tap his hand against the wheel and i would blow cigarette smoke out of the window.

I will begin at a lake. A lake i used to swim in frequently, where the waters ran wild and the rocks wore moss greener than a well watered lawn.

We would swim in the lake, a young boy and i, we would fall from tied ropes and our mouths would touch ever so lightly. The bottom was a mystery that we never dared to touch, but the water kept us hovering, lingering in the arms of each other.

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When i was alone, it was dark but warm. My lights were amber and incense blew of a musty oak. I would smoke out of my bedroom window, with a towel under the door whilst my ipod would shuffle through songs of my decade.

The night was quiet, but loud with colour and my excitement would peak when the moon would smile and the stars would laugh. The air was bitter and my sheets were stiff, and i no longer felt the need to stay.

The world is large, but time is short and there was only one place i wanted to be. Waters running and trees standing still, the lake was where i would go.

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It was different when dark, when the lake was dead, but somehow i found my home.

I didnt want you to leave me that day when you hit your head against that rock. The ropes were tired after carrying people all year round. It slipped a few knotches and gave you a fright which made you too weak to hold on.

The rapids were crying and the rocks didnt hug you and i was to late to try and save you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

His bed was small, but big enough for two. His pillows were empty, but held my head and his arms would secure me tight. His feet would dance against my own and his heart was a beat too fast. His breath was stale, but his eyes were bright and he was the only thing i wanted.

I hated the way he ate. He would pick and choose stubbornly and then retire to just a drink. He would smoke a packet a day and his hair was uneven. His teeth were pearls and his mouth was thin, but his arms were strong enough to hold my own.

He was loud and obnoxious, but also wanting to be free. He liked doing things others would question but didnt care for their thoughts. He was fierce but shy and held his emotions in cages. He was seductive and mysterious, something that made me wildly attracted to him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I went to the lake last night. I was no longer lonely. I was alone, but you were there and from the rapids you reached for my hand. Your face was pale and your breath was gone, but mine was too.
I was ready for this, i knew it was coming, i no longer wanted to see.

My eyes were closed, and from behind my lids i saw again.

The water was ice, but numbed the pain and finally i was washed away.
We swam together, endlessly through the night and forever we would float.

It was all i ever wanted, to be with you and finally the time had arrived. Since the moment you fell and the sirens were calling and you couldnt be revived, i knew there was a countdown.

When you fell in the water and your head didnt rise, i knew where i needed to be.

There wasnt a moment where i walked away from you, i only went home to write this letter.
A letter of remembrance, a letter to those who i loved but not as much as i loved you.

I came back for you, i couldnt just leave you there, but i had to let my loved ones know.

That the water still runs and the moon still smiles and the sun will always kiss the lips of the ocean. That our fingers are now entwined and the rope will still sway whilst our bodies swim among the lake.

Our love will join the moss on the rocks and forever we will remain.

Let it be.

When we are young, we are always taught to love, taught to listen, and taught to forgive.

I want to know why no one is ever taught to recover, how to speak up or how to forget.

I want to know why we spend all our time searching for someone. Why we spend all our years listening to others, getting advice or taking other peoples words for promises. Why we forgive so easily, yet we remember everything at the same time. 

I can forgive someone, but i will never forget. I can listen, but i cannot speak my mind fluently. I can love, but i cant let go of someone or learn how to fix myself when ive lost someone.

What happens when you are stuck? What happens when you study and learn all these things for your entire life only to fail the exam at the end. What happens when you just 'dont know'.

Everyone says move on, voice your opinions, forget your past and let go.

All i want to know is... has anyone actually achieved any of these things?

Fuck... i could read a thousand books about it if its true, but i can guarantee none of it is legitimate.

How do you know? You cant teach these things. 

I guess thats the whole point really. The basics can be learnt because they are EASY.

It is so easy to love- but no one teaches you to let go or move on because ITS HARD and the process is endless. 

No one teaches you how to forgive- because there is no right or wrong way- one day you just wake up and you realise for yourself that its time. 

And, when the right time presents itself, you learn to hear your own voice.

Speaking up doesnt necessarily mean speeches, or voting or voicing your own opinion- it could simply mean just taking your own advice- or making your own decisions. 

I guess, we all struggle. Its the endless war throughout humanity. 

Figuring out how to teach yourself to walk without legs. 

Everyone is in their own constant battle. We fail to see it in each other, everyone seems happy to a blind eye. But individually? We could pick our flaws like flowers in spring.

We spend our years of living, learning. 

We fight, we struggle, we cry...but in the end...after it all? We are walking.

There will be a time and a place where we realise that we have recovered and let go. We dont know when it happens or how, it just simply falls into place. I guess thats why no one knows how to teach it to those around them. 

One day we change our diet, or quit our job and all of a sudden we have outspoken the silence. 

We have taken our own advice- listened to our own voice and boom! we have taught our self how to speak instead of listen. 

And then, when you go to remember heartache, or a bruised knee, we dont know what the pain or the moment felt like. We have just simply... forgotten. 

I guess im finding this all out now. At 3:05 am, its a subtle epiphany. 

I was always looking for answers. Searching for some guidance on how to conquer the impossible. 

People give you answers, or at least they try. 

But really? Im out here on my balcony, typing away and it hit me. We are on our own, and its a good thing. This is life... sounds cliche and corny... but its true.

We just have to stick it out. 

Everyone grows differently, everyone is different. You may have a twin, or a best friend, but you will never be exactly the same as someone else and therefore, you will never feel the same as someone else.

You will never know what its like to walk in someone elses shoes...you could try... but the experience will never match up to theirs.

Its a brutal realisation. Its something that we will all face one day. 

Its all based on time. 

The pit at the bottom of your stomach will smoothen out. Your voice will get louder in your head. Your thoughts will become blurred with new experiences and you will eventually grow into who you are meant to be.

Sucks being a teenager. Its a curve ball that people have dodged in the past- and others will have to dodge in the future.

I guess i am different because i like to document mine.

It helps in a way- i like to think it will help others. But my advice is something that is based around me- around my experiences and my emotions.

Let it be a 'guideline' to you. But learn to create your own. 

These things happen. These moments will pass. Cherish them- hate them...frame them? I dont know... but this post is a self realisation post where it has finally hit me.

Im not going to get any answers searching for them in those around me. I have to find them in myself and i cant expect them now or in 10 years. I just have to be patient and learn that my bumps and bruises will heal and that 'growing up' is happening at this very moment. 

Just... Let it be.

Thats all from me. Fuck i need to sleep. But let me leave you with a quote that has humbled me.

Stephen R. Covey once said "I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions".

Goodnight x