30 seconds

Thirty

His jacket was heavy, smelt of old coffee grind and cheap cigarettes. The pockets were too far down to put my hands in, so i reached out for his. His nails were long, and it weirded me out, but when i met his eyes they became beautiful. Flaws in him, were thorns among roses. They were apart of something so magnificent, that the air in my lungs became water, and soon i was drowning. 
Sure, we weren't 100% compatible. He was arrogant and stubborn and gorgeous. He hated holding hands and kissing and doing anything which resembled compassion. I, on the other hand, would of parted the ocean to reach for his touch and I loved being or doing anything which made me apart of something else in this world. We were in fact, complete opposites. 
But here we were, just the two of us. Not sure really, if it was by choice, or fate, or some sort of zodiac aligning, but we were here, together. It could of been anyone but him, and it could of been anybody else but me, but when i look at him and see everything in him, that i used to think i didn't need in life- i realised that sometimes love is uncanny, and sometimes your heart realises it's love before your head does.

Twenty

When the days are dark and the sun hides for a while, i used to believe this was when people would fall. These were the days where people would lie on each other's chest, and hear their hearts beating and instantly they would know, that there isn't anywhere else in the world they would rather be. My world became a little bit smaller every day. My world caught the bus at six a.m to work every morning and my world would also take all the blankets in the middle of the night. My world smiled when my jokes were funny, but also smiled when they weren't. I don't know if he knew it or not, but he spun on his own pedestal in my universe and had his own gravity. I was drawn towards him when the sun rose and i danced around his core when the sun set. 
Life was so full, and and even when he wasn't around, everything balanced. It was incredible, how i grew. How i was so afraid of the unknown, yet it was the unknown that held the better parts of me. His arms were strong and i would call them home. The way his hand was too big for my own, still made us fit together like puzzle pieces. Even when he hugged me and what felt like a thousand bones breaking, i knew that i was not broken, but he was putting me back together. I admired him for taking on a project that had already been damaged. I wasn't beacons of light that shone through the cracks in his door and i wasn't a flower that drank the day and held my head tall. When we met i was weak, and he made me stronger. 
Lets just say that i had been drugged, for a very long time, and suddenly i became sober.
Life wasn't dark without him, but when i look back on a time without him around, life seems faded and now it was saturated.

Ten

Have you ever been asked to describe how you feel. Describing what it was like to love him was like trying to remember a dream. Trying to put words to something that is so beyond literature and intelligence itself. I tried to think how i could describe him in a way that made sense, that could make people understand. But then i realised that understanding love isn't about numbers and words and months or dates. It was about the way my heart stopped beating when he was near and even when it felt like i could die every time he held me, i thought what a wonderful way to die that would be.
I never asked him whether he loved me or not, and i never asked him how he felt about me. I didn't want to know. In a way, i might of been scared that our love wouldn't be the same, and i thought it would be foolish of me to deny myself loving him, just because he didn't see love the way i did. 
So i loved him everyday.
I find it displeasing to deny one self the serenity of love. The calm, but yet exquisite way how it can change your whole view of yourself, of life and time. So, instead of asking him how he felt about me, i closed my eyes and believed that it didn't matter whether he told me or not, my love for him, which was already so deep, would be too hard to climb out of.

Zero
I knew she felt about me like kids did about their first teddy bear. Protective, compassionate, attentive, adoring- everything that someone could ask for. Although sometimes i was concerned that she wasn't living her life because her life revolved around me and what i did, i knew that she shouldn't ever have to worry. I loved her. 
Like the way the waves kiss the shore over and over again, i would always return to her. She was mine, and whether or not she knew that, i didn't know. Because over time, she would realise that i wouldn't go anywhere without her hand in it, and that her name would be the only words on my lips. Over time, she will eventually realise that a life without her in it, was a life i no longer wanted to be apart of. Over time, without words, without questions, she will soon see that although she never asked me how i felt, or even if we never talk about love- the way that her eyes spark a fire in mine, will continue to burn.

I loved her, i still love her. And i don't know if her love for me, will amount to the love i hold for her, but what i do know, is that at the end of each day when she is lying on my chest and pieces of her hair get caught around my tongue, that there is no other way i could see myself.
I grew a lot when i met her. I realised that we weren't kids anymore and that one day, i wont want to see a day without her in it. I realised that money was just paper and that drinking and drugs and everything that i once used to love doing became inferior compared to her. 
I didn't need anything else but her. I hope she knows that. 
But just as we are complete opposites, she is my positive to my negative and i am the white to her black. Like the sun and the moon, we will always rotate around each other and the stars will stand there laughing about how foolish we are to never admit our love to each other.
But, its just the way we are. 
The mystery is the romance, and it is not denying but requesting to expect each other to feel the same way.
We accept and we know of what sum we love each other, but we came to an agreement about never discussing love. Because discussing love in our eyes, is like cheating. It becomes a benchmark and every day, and every minute you are caught constantly comparing each others love to one another. Love isn't about being discussed or established, love is about feeling and living.
And i live in her, as i believe she will always live within me.
Is it good enough? Is it worth it?
We will never know.
But what i do know is... that i love her to my full potential, the maximum capacity and even more. 
And the rest is unknown.

Because i once heard her say
"i was once so afraid of the unknown, yet it was the unknown that held the better parts of me". 

A few things you should know before its too late

There are many times where i have been in a situation or just resurfaced from the bottom of the deep end and wished that i had known just a few things before it was too late. Here are a few off the top of my head:

LESS IS MORE, that’s right ladies, although we all think men like our painted faces, its actually the women we are comparing ourselves too. I am a huge fan of the winged eyeliner, dark purple lipstick and ruby cheeks but unfortunately when we think we are looking our best, men think its actually our worst. And when we put our minds to it, we are only making ourselves up to either catch a man or impress our man. My mum said to me "unfortunately my darling, when we compare our looks and call ourselves ugly, we are only comparing ourselves to other woman who have also got layers of make up on. Our beauty should not be measured by looks and cosmetics. I myself, have not always considered myself beautiful, and I still find it hard to see myself as beautiful, but I learned to accept that there is always going to be someone prettier than me, its just the way life is. How you see the meaning of beautiful and how someone else see's the meaning of beautiful are always going to be completely different, so try not to get caught up in image and people's perception of beauty as beauty is always going to be something that is recognised differently by different people". Need I say more?

IT'S NOT ALL SNAKES AND LADDERS, so forget about the game. Its all fun and games when you're young and flirting is compulsory to survive. If he texts you, the rule is to wait 5 minutes until you reply, and if he hits you it means he likes you and if you are mean that’s the only way to keep them keen. These are not always necessarily true. Sometimes it's nice to put away the game board and just lay things out simple and easy. If you like someone, just say so. There aren't any mixed feelings, no one is left feeling confused and if it's a dead end, you will know straight away instead of three weeks too late. Who knows, you can save so much time which is usually spent fishing, actually enjoying and getting to know a well deserved catch. So my advice, don't try to endure the game when you know what you want, be old school and say it how it is, it’s a win-win situation.

YOUR PHONE ISN'T ACTUALLY APART OF YOUR ARM, if it is, learn when to put it down. Sure its now socially acceptable to have a phone on at all times, and maintaining your social media is a priority for some, but really life goes on with or without your phone being on. Yes, I check my facebook way too much, and I post way too many photos on instagram that I lose followers instead of gaining followers, but there are times when I like to lose my phone in my bed sheets and just enjoy life without it. It's almost addictive and routine to check your phone, or mindlessly scroll through all your apps in boredom. But by doing this, we miss out on seeing the butterflies, or the couple who are domestically fighting across the road or even just talking to your parents and siblings about how there day was. Learn to take a break from the screen and give your thumbs a rest, the world wasn't always digital and it still isn't. And without filters and hash tags, life is bliss.

ONE FOR THE BOYS, if she says she is fine, she's not. In the rare occasion that she is fine, you are better off being safe than sorry. Never underestimate the power of the female mind. Its complicated. Even I get confused whether or not I have upset or angered my friends, or mother or sister. But if I can tell you one simple clue, when she say's she is fine and her eyes are stern but her mouth is still smiling, don’t assume its all blue skies. If you walk away and assume that what she has said is true, the wrath of the unknown is about to hit you. Keep asking her if she is okay, and if she pushes you away, bring her in closer and cuddle her. It works every time.

IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, like how a picture tells a thousand words, so does the present you buy for someone. Whether its expensive or not, if you get someone something that is the complete opposite of what they like or who they are, you know nothing about them. Spend some time actually thinking about what they want. It doesn't have to be tiffany and co, or the latest xbox, just make sure it matches their personality and they will love you for it either way. I learnt the hard way, I forgot to get my mum a card this year, although I got a present for her without her knowing it, she was a little upset that I forgot to get her a card. Needless to say, I know I will never make the same mistake again, and she will make sure I don't forget it again. But in saying this, if someone gets you a present, always be appreciative. Even if it is the world's worst present, don’t make yourself look like a smug by being unhappy or unappreciative, just smile and move on. There is always another birthday, Christmas or celebration for them to improve on.

IF YOU ARE GOING TO SING OUT LOUD, make sure you know the lyrics first. I have done this numerous times, and trust me the embarrassment is painful. Just as it is painful to hear someone trying to sing the song you love, but absolutely ruining it for you by mumbling every now and then or even worse, singing wrong lyrics. If you are doing it by yourself with no one around its all good, but if you are in a car or club and someone catches you out, you are going to want to kick yourself for even thinking you could get away with it.

FARTING, there are times when you simply can no longer hold it in. Unfortunately for us girls, it isn't as easy for us as it is for men. Men like to see us as delicate flowers who mysteriously never fart or poo. But like men, when you need to, you need to. So if you are in public, make sure its crowded. Odds are, they aren't going to think it was you, and if you do, try to laugh, cough or sneeze just in case its louder than you anticipated. In relationships, if that barrier is broken and you start peeing in front of each other and you have seen each other naked and he seems perfectly comfortable dutch ovening you, go ahead girlfriend, the court is yours. I dislike men who do not allow their girlfriends farting in front of them just because they think its 'gross'. Because as a girl, I have endured many men including my father, farting around me and burping and doing everything else that women aren't socially 'allowed' to do. So if he says he loves you as much as he says he does, let one rip, it will be the ultimate test. If he pushes you off the bed, or dry reaches, its not your problem, your bowels shouldn't have to take one for the team so he can still find you attractive.

#sorryboys #girlsgottadowhatagirlsgottado

LAUGHING, should not always be reserved for a good joke. Laughing, I have always been told, is the best medicine. There is something that I always and will always believe in. If you tell yourself enough that you are okay, or you tell yourself you are good enough at something, you will become it. Same goes for laughing, even if it is inappropriate timing, or there is nothing to laugh at, or even if you are crying and you force yourself to laugh, you will start to believe that there is something always worth to be happy about. Laughing is associated with happiness and therefore, the more you do it, the happier you will be. Laughter is also beautiful and like a great quote I once read, "a smile is the most beautiful thing a person can wear".

CAREERS, are almost always necessary, but can be optional. We forget that when we leave high school that the world is our oyster. We are almost always forced into starting a degree we have no interest in, we study subjects for twelve years where we are told we are either not good at or we are the best at. We spend most of our lives trying to figure out what we love doing, what we are good at doing, but most importantly, what will be financially beneficial for us and our future. Its hard, for people like myself who fall in love with things like art, writing, dance and music. Because unless you are the best of the best, we are told that they should be a hobby and not our main focus for a career. Its great to be a doctor, pilot, teacher or something that has a solid pathway to success, but when you are clueless or struggling to figure out what you want to do for the next 40+ years it can be daunting and stressful. My advice, do what you love with passion. I used to be fascinated with the idea of having lots of money and having expensive things and a future was only desirable if it included big dollar signs. However, I grew out of that fascination and fell in love with the idea of doing something that I loved, and it brought me an entirety of happiness. I couldn't think of anything worse that doing something you hate, but ended up with lots of money and being completely miserable. Money isn't everything, your career doesn't always have to be written in stone, and just how you become indecisive when choosing something to eat from a menu, you will become indecisive about what you want to do in your career. Don't let it stress you out, and don't be pressured to do anything that everyone else is doing. Do what suits you and everything else will fall into place.

 These are all i could think of whilst i am in limited internet at the moment, but if you feel like i missed some crucial ones out there, please feel free to let me know via facebook or instagram! Would love to hear from you!

Some roses aren't red

Insecurity has the best of me.

Insecurity has had the best of me for as long as i can remember and i struggle to see that there even really is a 'best' in me.
It diminishes any sort of emotion of mine and instead i become this anxious and desperate person who is so far from who i really am.

Comfortability in my own skin is so unfamiliar that when someone does compliment me i can't help but question it.
I'm so afraid of people and their thoughts and i try to walk around with this idea in my head like i don't care, when in retrospect, i do. Incredibly.

It's tiring. Overwhelming and exhausting at the most of times. To constantly be on edge, thinking about what others see in me, thinking about what i'm doing and worst of all, thinking about what i could be like if i wasn't insecure.

It's not so much that i am concerned that i am a bad person or that i believe that i am not beautiful, its more that i fail to see what others love about me and i fail to recognise that other people can be trusted.

I find it difficult, day in, day out. To be able to trust that people won't let me down, or that people won't just turn their back on me.

I neglect most people because i would rather not have them in my life at all, than have them walk away from me some where down the road.

I refrain from letting people get close to me. I am too scared to have them leave me behind in the future, to be able to enjoy their company in the present.

I know in my head, that its unrealistic and that i can't go about life pushing people away or shutting myself off from others because i will never be happy living in that state of mind.

But i struggle to tell myself that some people can be different and i struggle to truly realise that what people say and do, aren't always what i think it is.

I am an over-thinker.
I analyse situations so intensely that it terrifies me to the point where i can't sleep. If you hang up on me, if you say i look bad, if you even just as joke about something personal to me, i will be offended.

Not necessarily offended, but i will over -think the situation and think that it is a personal attack and i will beat myself down for it.

I have this armour. Where i act like i am okay with everything, i joke around and act stupid. I pretend like life is extraordinary and that i am completely content with the person i am, and that i am independently happy. But really... this world and the people in it terrify me.

I get close to someone, and then if they don't talk to me for a while, or do something which they usually wouldn't towards me, i put the blame on myself.

In my eyes, people can't really do anything wrong, and if something does go wrong, it is my fault.
In my eyes, the problem is me, and i will kick myself over and over again trying to figure out how to fix things that were already broken in the first place.

I have accepted this, that i am insecure.
Im nervous, shy and i undermine myself. I believe that people can do better than me and i struggle to see that i can do so much better for myself. I talk myself down into thinking that some things aren't possible when really if i put my mind to it, they could be.

My head is a dangerous place. At the end of the day, when its just me and my mind, i'm at a loss.
And to be entirely honest, posting this blog is giving me an empty stomach, its tying itself in knots.
Because i'm concerned at what people think. Im worried that i am not good enough, and im scared of what people might say and whether or not they think i'm a joke.

I don't know if other people go through this, whether you do or not, i like to think i am not the only one who is insecure.

It's something that i would like to erase, and it used to be something that i thought i could grow out of. But i just can't.

It makes like incredibly hard. Yet i only have myself to blame.

I don't try to conform to society and i don't try to stand out from the crowd. I am just going about life trying to figure out who i am and who i am growing to be, but with thoughts like this, its like walking three steps forward and then falling back two.

It makes life one big marathon and everyday you think you are getting closer to the finish line, there is another hill to climb.

I'm not a sad story, and i am definitely not writing this to gain attention, but i am writing this to be honest.
To show people that this is who i am, this is who some people are. We have had this mind set carved into our skin and whether we like it or not, it is hard to change out of it.

I try. Everyday i face something new, or face a difficult situation, i try to be the better person about it.
I try to be relaxed and 'cool' about certain things, but in reality, it kills me inside and the analysation starts.

One thought starts, and then another, and the ball doesn't stop rolling. I forget to see that i am just like everybody else and really, nobody cares what i do or say.

I am trying everyday to get over my insecurities and i try to let go of some things that have made me insecure. I try to refrain from judging people and i try to believe that others can be trusted.

But just because i try, doesn't mean that i do.

Trying and actually being are two entirely different things.

But with every new sunrise, i believe that i am a better person than i was from the previous sunset.

And with a little bit of patience and persistence, i hope that one day i wont pull at my stomach and i won't worry about that person that didn't txt me back.
One day i hope that i won't question if you really do love me, and i won't lose sleep over how i acted at that party when i drank too much.

One day i wont let these insecurities be the anchor around my ankles dragging me down, and one day i will be a rose that is red.

Thank you readers,
until next time  x