Insecurity has the best of me.
Insecurity has had the best of me for as long as i can remember and i struggle to see that there even really is a 'best' in me.
It diminishes any sort of emotion of mine and instead i become this anxious and desperate person who is so far from who i really am.
Comfortability in my own skin is so unfamiliar that when someone does compliment me i can't help but question it.
I'm so afraid of people and their thoughts and i try to walk around with this idea in my head like i don't care, when in retrospect, i do. Incredibly.
It's tiring. Overwhelming and exhausting at the most of times. To constantly be on edge, thinking about what others see in me, thinking about what i'm doing and worst of all, thinking about what i could be like if i wasn't insecure.
It's not so much that i am concerned that i am a bad person or that i believe that i am not beautiful, its more that i fail to see what others love about me and i fail to recognise that other people can be trusted.
I find it difficult, day in, day out. To be able to trust that people won't let me down, or that people won't just turn their back on me.
I neglect most people because i would rather not have them in my life at all, than have them walk away from me some where down the road.
I refrain from letting people get close to me. I am too scared to have them leave me behind in the future, to be able to enjoy their company in the present.
I know in my head, that its unrealistic and that i can't go about life pushing people away or shutting myself off from others because i will never be happy living in that state of mind.
But i struggle to tell myself that some people can be different and i struggle to truly realise that what people say and do, aren't always what i think it is.
I am an over-thinker.
I analyse situations so intensely that it terrifies me to the point where i can't sleep. If you hang up on me, if you say i look bad, if you even just as joke about something personal to me, i will be offended.
Not necessarily offended, but i will over -think the situation and think that it is a personal attack and i will beat myself down for it.
I have this armour. Where i act like i am okay with everything, i joke around and act stupid. I pretend like life is extraordinary and that i am completely content with the person i am, and that i am independently happy. But really... this world and the people in it terrify me.
I get close to someone, and then if they don't talk to me for a while, or do something which they usually wouldn't towards me, i put the blame on myself.
In my eyes, people can't really do anything wrong, and if something does go wrong, it is my fault.
In my eyes, the problem is me, and i will kick myself over and over again trying to figure out how to fix things that were already broken in the first place.
I have accepted this, that i am insecure.
Im nervous, shy and i undermine myself. I believe that people can do better than me and i struggle to see that i can do so much better for myself. I talk myself down into thinking that some things aren't possible when really if i put my mind to it, they could be.
My head is a dangerous place. At the end of the day, when its just me and my mind, i'm at a loss.
And to be entirely honest, posting this blog is giving me an empty stomach, its tying itself in knots.
Because i'm concerned at what people think. Im worried that i am not good enough, and im scared of what people might say and whether or not they think i'm a joke.
I don't know if other people go through this, whether you do or not, i like to think i am not the only one who is insecure.
It's something that i would like to erase, and it used to be something that i thought i could grow out of. But i just can't.
It makes like incredibly hard. Yet i only have myself to blame.
I don't try to conform to society and i don't try to stand out from the crowd. I am just going about life trying to figure out who i am and who i am growing to be, but with thoughts like this, its like walking three steps forward and then falling back two.
It makes life one big marathon and everyday you think you are getting closer to the finish line, there is another hill to climb.
I'm not a sad story, and i am definitely not writing this to gain attention, but i am writing this to be honest.
To show people that this is who i am, this is who some people are. We have had this mind set carved into our skin and whether we like it or not, it is hard to change out of it.
I try. Everyday i face something new, or face a difficult situation, i try to be the better person about it.
I try to be relaxed and 'cool' about certain things, but in reality, it kills me inside and the analysation starts.
One thought starts, and then another, and the ball doesn't stop rolling. I forget to see that i am just like everybody else and really, nobody cares what i do or say.
I am trying everyday to get over my insecurities and i try to let go of some things that have made me insecure. I try to refrain from judging people and i try to believe that others can be trusted.
But just because i try, doesn't mean that i do.
Trying and actually being are two entirely different things.
But with every new sunrise, i believe that i am a better person than i was from the previous sunset.
And with a little bit of patience and persistence, i hope that one day i wont pull at my stomach and i won't worry about that person that didn't txt me back.
One day i hope that i won't question if you really do love me, and i won't lose sleep over how i acted at that party when i drank too much.
One day i wont let these insecurities be the anchor around my ankles dragging me down, and one day i will be a rose that is red.
Thank you readers,
until next time x
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