Old friends, New friends and no friends at all

Im back!,

so i have let a few days slide in between blogs and im sorry. I have actually left the house and gone out lately and it has caught up on me, therefore lack of posts!

But, no excuses, im back writing.

Lately, as you all know, i have currently moved. Therefore, leaving old friends behind, returning to highschool friends and beginning to meet new potential friends. Lets put it this way... a lot of friendship groups are coming and going, and i dont want anything to change.

If you have ever moved, or you have left friends behind or moved to a completely new area you would have suffered this. You dont want to let go of the people who you know longer see, and you dont want to prevent yourself from meeting new people. YOU DONT WANT ANYTHING TO CHANGE

But unfortunately, as the earth still spins, change is guaranteed and life goes on.

So, this blog is more about, how to deal with change and how to make new friends, whilst maintaining old friends. 

#1. Just because you move, doesnt mean you have to forget what you left behind. I still contact my friends from two different cities and we are closer than ever. If you have friends, that you know you want to keep for life, they'll pay you the same respect. Its a two way street and you cant just expect them to call you all the time and wait on you like a lost puppy. You have to call them and want to keep in contact with them just as much as they do. Its not hard. An odd txt message or now, seeing as technology is so advanced- even a facebook message or wall post doesnt hurt. It keeps the friendship fresh and lets your old friends know that you still think of them and that when the time comes, you will catch up and things will be the same.

From experience, i have moved from sydney 5 years ago. Although it was everyday contact, i still kept in touch with my high school friends and just recently after being away for 5 years, i am back. And although with time it wont be as nerve wracking, i am able to slowly slip into my old friendship group and meet up with my friends i have known since grade 7!  

#2. Returning to friends that you have previously moved away from. Its hard. Because you move and you meet new people and just as soon as you think you are settled you return back to where you moved from and BANG everything has changed. Its not necessarily a bad thing, its just different and it takes some time adjusting to it. You cant expect everyone to remain the same and you cant expect everyone who once liked you, to still like you. People grow up, as well as their opinions and their attitude along with them. Sometimes you just have to accept that you weren't meant to be friends, or maybe their is a perfectly good reason as to why you aren't friends anymore. But the main thing (what i am figuring out now) is to be open. Engage in contact with your old friends, go out, put in the effort to meet them. Although it may be a little awkward at first, the friendship is still there and it may take some time, but soon you will be laughing about how you threw things at your grade 8 teacher in maths. If you are open to them, and they are a true friend, they'll return the favour. It shows that you want to be friends with them and that most importantly, you haven't forgotten them. You WERE friends for a reason when you were younger, so why shouldnt you now?

#3. Making new friends. Easier said than done, but it can be done. This also depends on your personality, but each to their own. I find it quite hard. Although people would say i am quite outgoing and 'loud', i am the most shy and awkward person to be around when i am first meeting people. What do i say, do i look alright, do i try to impress them or be myself? A thousand questions which leave me blank. But although i have faults, i pull through. I put myself in situations where i am able to talk to people and get to know them, and they are able to get to know me. I also find that it is easier if you ask them the questions. 'Ice breakers', although sometimes corny and annoying, they are fucking useful. 

And, in the odd occasion that you hit a wall and you are standing there awkwardly with nothing to talk about, then walk away. Don't waste your time in awkward situations, they will get you nowhere. 

Making friends is hard though. Its hard to be open to people who you know nothing about. But, with this in mind, they know nothing about you, so you have nothing to lose. My last job, is a classic example. I was a shy, and quiet girl and for the first time, i moved to a city where i knew noone. I had no choice but try to make some friends and your workplace is the perfect place. Not only are you constantly around these people, but you have the same interests. Whether you are working for the money or for the fun of it, you are both there in the same boat... and you are kind of forced to talk to each other. Needless to say, i am happy to announce that i have made friends for life at my old work and i hope to do the same at my new work in sydney. 

If you take the time to hang around and be interested in other people, they will be interested in you, and you will be surprised at how your life will change when your friendship group opens to people you have moved away from and moving into. 

So as a note, if you are going to move, in the midst of moving or you have moved, its going to be okay. Change scares the shit out of me, but it has made me who i am today and i have met some incredible people along the way. Change can only make you stronger, but it can also open you and broaden your personality. Its the best thing that has happened to me, and i can guarantee that it will do the same for you.

So again, sorry for the 3 day wait in between blogs, i hope to keep on track with things from now on, and hopefully no more writers block!

Adios fellow bloggers, 

ill speak to you again soon x 

Loving who you are, instead of what other people want you to be

Yes, this is a topic touched on by many. However, to me, it still seems like a massive problem. Not only because it affects myself, but i can also see it affects everyone around me. People who are younger than me and people who are twice my age still are trying to live their lives according to other peoples expectations.

This isnt how we were meant to live our lives. I may be 18 but im not blind and im certainly not an enthusiast of people changing for the world around them.

Its pretty fucked up dont you think? How we have this look that we are meant to achieve. We try so hard to stay a certain weight and have our hair a certain length. We are meant to dress and talk in such a manner that seems socially appealing and we, for some odd reason that defies me, are meant to abandon all our individual characteristics to conform to a society in which people like us, created.

I can relate to this topic and these words are from the heart. Yes, this blog may be public, but ive learnt to love who i am now and i can accept and look back on who i was and realise that who i changed myself to be, to fit in at high school or what i did to belong in the 'crowd', was a terrible mistake.

Im not saying that i was a completely different person, but i can accept that little changes such as to my look and to my diet and to the way i treated other people, was not who i am and certainly not who i wanted to be.

I went through a period (about 10-15 years of age) where i thought i was better than everyone else. And yes, to those who are willing, can accept the fact that they too, thought that. Its an innocent mistake to do when you are younger. And unfortunately, in my generation, it is becoming more frequent. I lied to my parents, i thought i knew everything and i thought that people should of looked up to me. I didnt appreciate that my parents gave me freedom and trusted me to go out and grow up how they wanted me to. They taught me life lessons that at the time i thought were stupid and that they were just 'nagging'. And to the kids at school, or to my teachers (who i now see as respected mentors), i thought i was wiser and i didnt have the time of day to appreciate who they were as individuals and listen to what they had to say.

However, coming more into my adolescent years, i grew up. Around 15-17 it is very common (especially in females) to become more self conscious. Instead of thinking i was prettier, or i was smarter, i thought the lowest of myself. Its almost like this mentally fucked up rollerc oaster where you are at the peak where you think everything is perfect and you are perfect and life couldnt get better, and then you plummet.

You go through the stages where you arent 'skinny', you arent pretty or you arent smart enough. Just because you aren't a size XXXXS in supre and you have a few pimples here or there and you cant get into advanced math, doesnt mean that you are the scum of the earth. You're beautiful, and i learnt that the hard way.

And yes, i can openly admit that i do still suffer from these kinds of things. But instead of bottling it up inside, i talk myself through it. I appreciate the good things i have in my life and i realise that the problems i have with myself, are how we like to call it "third world problems".

I have food. I have water. I have a bed and a house with a caring family around me and amazing friends who have made me who i am today.

i. am. so. lucky.

However, it is such a shame that not a lot of people can see this. Many teenagers and like i said earlier, people who are older than me, cannot see that the problems we have with ourselves are actually SOCIETIES PROBLEMS.

We created a world which destroys us. We publish magazines which discriminate how people act, look and live their lives and by doing that, it brain washes the every day individual to believe that how we look and live our lives should also be discriminated upon.

Who are we? We arent all the same? Why should we all have blonde long hair, with blemish free skin and a tiny waist? Why do we have to have broad shoulders, a masculine jaw line and a deep husky voice.

Sure, its nice to feel beautiful, but its ridiculous that we cant feel beautiful "naturally".

It came to my attention that we have this major "self image" epidemic when i saw photos of myself when i was younger. Miserable.

I had eyes red from crying too much, i had acne cream all over my face and i can remember every single day from that period of my life. I cant remember how good it was to go swimming at the beach with no make up on, i cant remember how good it felt to walk around in a bikini instead of a shirt and i cant remember waking up every morning and knowing i didnt have to cover up myself in makeup to go to school.

Its pathetic. and you want to know why? because i was 14.
Sure it was only 4 years ago, but it is so sad that because, i wanted to please everyone around me and look socially 'acceptable', that those years where i was meant to remember as the best years of my life, are blurred with images of me hating myself.

Now, i really hope im reaching out to people here, because to me, its a serious matter.
Im not a psychologist, or a teen expert, but ive lived through it and im here today trying to tell you all that yes, the grass is greener on the other side and no, its not you who is ugly, its the society in which we live in that is.

I could ramble on about how i have struggled with weight all my life and how many diets ive been on and how many medications ive been prescribed for acne and other teenager issues, but we have all heard it before.

The main point i want to get across is, love you who are. And i know, you have heard it before. But only you can make you hate yourself. If you love yourself, then you can love the life you live and let go of that vision of what other people want you to be.

Girls- Dress in polka dot socks, dye your hair purple and speak in that crazy british accent you like to practice in the mirror. Dance in the street, eat as much fucking cake as you want and go swimming at the beach in the brand new bikini you just bought. Because YOU are beautiful.

Boys- Ask that girl out who you have been infatuated for the past 6 months, gel your hair the way you want to, work out... or dont work out.... do ballet for fuck sake if you want to!

Because at the end of the day, its your life, and try to make the most out of it. Dont regret not leaving the house because you are 62 kilos instead of 55 kgs, dont sleep all day because you have a massive pimple on your forehead and have faked sick so no one can see you.

Make the most of now, and love who you are because when you love yourself, everyone around you can see that, and let me tell you, theres nothing more beautiful than looking at someone with a smile on their face, having the time of their life.

Thats all for now my beautiful bloggers,
and remember, dont hestitate to keep messaging or contacting me if you are ever in doubt of something.
Ill be back soon x

I slept in all day and now a year has gone by.

I get up at 2pm. I have a late lunchy type- breakfast substitute thing, i watch tv and already its dinner time. What the hell am i doing.
Are you the same? What are you doing with your days?

As a uni student on break and for someone that works, i didnt do anything. My life for the past 12 months has been nothing but dismal. Had i not moved to sydney or met some incredible people in the past 6 months, i would of continued to watch my life pass by...

Because of lack of friends, or no motivation i spent most of my days in my room. With the door locked and movies on repeat. I never saw the world for what it was and i just let each day pass. A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR! gone. down the drain and i have nothing to look back on. And it sucks to say, but i didnt do anything with my time. I got out of bed when i needed to, i went to work, i went to uni...but on my time off? I did 'sweet fuck all'.

And. i. regret. every. moment. of. it.

Sure its okay for a couple of days when your on holiday...but if your life turns into this massive bubble where you become comfortable lying in pyjamas all day and not breathing fresh air. There is a problem.

Some might call it depression, laziness or just down right idiotic not to go outside and appreciate the world we have around us.

This became a realisation for me about 4 months ago. When i decided i would move to sydney and all of sudden i had nothing to say goodbye to in brisbane. I had nothing to miss. And thats when it hit me. What had i done there? I hadnt appreciated the scenic night lights or trying to meet the hundreds of people roaming the streets or even just joining in on the local opportunities in the area. I had blocked out the world and in return- i was left with nothing.

It takes courage and motivation to get out of bed and go out and do different things outside of your daily schedule. Im not asking you to go up to randoms and talk to them. All i am saying is try to make the most out of what you have. Dont run away or hide- you have nothing to lose, but such incredible things to gain.

Anyway- back to my timeline. It was around september so about 8 months wasted away in my room had already passed, when all of a sudden it hit me, i want to make the most out of this. I want to meet some new people- people who are now friends for life. I want to remember going out- i want to make crazy memories which i will later on, tell my future grandkids.

SO I GOT UP. I showered and left my sanctuary (shit-hole) to experience the unknown. I went to art galleries, i went to basement pubs and walked paths which i had no clue where the hell would end up taking me. I started instigating situations which meant meeting new people, tasting new foods and trying all sorts of alcohol. Every dollar and every minute was worth it. I learnt new things about the small city around me, i learnt that each person has their own story to tell and i realised that in this big wide world (which scared the hell out of me)- i wasnt alone.

Although you believe that its so hard to meet new people and that new people cant match up to your old friends... or new experiences, cant replace your old ones- THEY CAN.
I have developed a whole new persona and a whole new outlook on life just because i told myself 'fuck it, what have i got to lose'.

Sure, it might of taken a few weeks- months even, but i got there. And i can happily say that ill never go back. I might still sleep in till 2 everyday, but i only have myself to blame if i do that. Set your alarm, get up, go for a walk. Listen to the birds around you, look at the people running along the beach or running for their last bus, watch and learn. It'll open your eyes to a whole new world, one which you chose to block out in the first place.

If you find yourself in your room, sleeping in all day, working all night and just buried in misery... i promise you, take a walk. Its something that i can easily resonate with. I am probably the worlds laziest person. It took years for me to realise that i was missing out on living a teenage life. I worked all night and studied all day, and so when i had time to kick my feet up, i didnt take advantage of that. I didnt appreciate the times where i could stay out all night to 6 am and watch the sunrise. I didnt get up and make eggs and bacon and go walking along the river. I didnt go to the movies or go to a play- instead i let moments like those pass. I cant hate myself for it and neither should you. All i can do is learn from my mistakes and realise that i can change for the better.

Help yourself. Live your life and make the most out of it. Appreciate what you have and what is around you, because who knows, you might surprise yourself.

Thats all for now. Sorry if this blog is a little direct, but it was a massive wake up call to me, and it might actually be a little harsh awakening to some of you out there.
But feel free to email me or facebook me if you are stuck or you find your self nodding and saying "yep, i know how that feels", because like i said, you aren't alone and the world is full of hidden opportunities.

Ciao bloggers, until next time! x

First year at uni completed and I still don't know what the hell i'm doing!

So, after hearing about all my friends returning back to university in a few weeks, it is my great pleasure to bring to you, the story behind my first year at university.
Now- i haven't dropped out, and yes i will be returning to uni, but due to a current relocation, i am in the midst of transferring universities and therefore have a good few months until i start up the big books again.

This gives me time to reflect on what i have been doing for the past 12 months of my life. And all i can say is - although being a uni student gives you the chance to do what you want- i never thought it would be so god. damn. HARD!

First of all- lets talk about actually getting in! So as most of you have done, you complete your HSC or your QCS or ATAR which gives you entrance into those big golden gates, but nevertheless you actually have to get a pretty fucking remarkable score to be able to do so. Instead- for me- i was one of those kids that had their hearts broken when i received my score back. No i didn't get what i applied for, no i wasn't accepted into university and yes- i was ready to give up hope.

It took a lot of strength to reapply for uni, and instead of applying for what i wanted, i had to apply for other options such as a tertiary pathway, tafe or reapplying for a course which i had no intention of actually being interested in.

Nonetheless, after many applications and daily telephone calls to universities and student help lines- i managed to land myself a role in a course at the University of Queensland. Not bad for someone who thought a month ago, was at a dead end?

Anyway, i was on the right path- although strenuous and totally in the opposite direction of where i wanted to go, i was IN.
Lesson #1- although you don't get into the course you want, always find a way in. Because once your foot is in the door, you can roam as much as you want. Its better than not getting in at all and missing out on your opportunity. You have to lose a little to win a little. So i took my chances.

Don't get me wrong, uni is fun. If you take your headphones out, participate and get into that whole community type thing. However, i'm not one of those people. I loved the beat of the music around the uni and the crowds of different people wandering around, but i knew where i was going. Straight to lectures, tutorials and then home. I just wanted to get in and get out. Maybe if i had a more relaxed and open attitude to the university life i would of enjoyed it more, but i didn't. And it is something that i will try to do when i return.

My timetable was shit, i was in classes which i hated and the people who were around me, were people twice my age and had no interest in me nor did i in them. A recipe for disaster.

Although acing my class pracs and group assessments, exams were my biggest obstacle. I suffer from BDE - a term i like to call 'Blackouts during exams'. Sure its not medically approved, but i am 100% sure that i am not the only one out there which experiences this type of thing. I could study for years and know everything, but as soon as i sit down in that tiny chair in a huge hall with thousands of people around me furiously scribbling their destinies away, i sit there and stare at the ceiling. In a not so 'medical' term- i was fucked.

Although suffering from this extreme disease which impairs my future, i did -not so bad. I actually passed with flying colours in my first semester. Maybe because luck was on my side or it was stuff that i understood quite easily- to this day i don't know how i passed all i know is- i wasn't that lucky in the second semester.

Yes- i failed. After getting on my high horse and thinking uni was now 'easy' i decided to upgrade my course and transfer into bachelor of business. MATHS MATHS MATHS. Something i know i'm terrible at, but for some reason thought i could now master. I. was. so. wrong.

I had to teach myself everything. All the students around me knew what they were talking about when it came to demand and supply, or trigonometry.
As soon as numbers turn into letters in a mathematical equation. I AM OUT.
Do i need to say more? I sucked. I had no idea what i was doing, so when it came to the final exams- i winged it, and my results reflected that.

The only regret i have from that semester- is not asking for help. My ego got in the way of my success, and i have only myself to blame. There are teachers, masters and student helpers crawling out of my ears, but i chose not to ask for help because i was in denial.

Its okay to fail, well i should say- have no fucking clue what you are doing- but its idiotic not to acknowledge you are doing something wrong and not do something about it!

Also, please study. I know they say some ludicrous amount of hours a week, but whether its 10 minutes a day or 4 hours- DO IT. Not only will it help your studies, but you will learn things you had no clue about and surprisingly, at your next party or dinner with your family- it can really pay off and you can meet some interesting people with a little knowledge under your belt.

And finally- i want to finish with this. No one is forcing you to do anything. Do what you want to do. Sure, you may have to walk the road less taken, but you will get there and you will end up doing something you love. You could listen to everyone else and do something completely out of your league and end up hating what you do. YOU DONT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.

Its taken me a year to figure out what i am good at, and surprisingly its writing. So as i started this blog- its pushed me to go into journalism. Now look at that transition. I was doing fucking bachelor of god knows what a year ago and it is only just now that i know what i really want to do.
You. are. not. alone.
If you don't know where you are going or what you want to do, it happens to everyone.
Some people still don't know what they want to do when they GRADUATE! Imagine that.

So hang in there kid. Trust me, its worth it to get in there and have a go. Once, Twice, Three times even, just don't give up. The brains and the beauty are there, just no direction...yet. There are people around to support you, and you are never alone. There are options and there is always a way.

So goodluck to all those returning and entering uni in the next few weeks!
And to my fellow bloggers and viewers,
I'll be back shortly x

Valentines day and How to refrain from being dependant on your loved one

So, that time of year has once again come and gone. Yes, Valentines day. Im not a hater of it, but let me tell you, if you don't get flowers or chocolates or at least a card on Sir Valentini's day of remembrance, you are going to feel it.
So as the day approached, i didn't feel overly pleased that i was going to spend the day alone but i also didn't expect anything, therefore- no expectations= no disappointments.

Little did i know, lets call him 'mr A' for the time being, had sent me a dozen red roses, chocolates and a card down to my new home in sydney, for valentines day. Although, arriving a day late- made up for the loss which i felt on valentines day.  Yes, i was spoilt. And like almost every other girl who received some sort of gift on valentines day, i was full to the brim with happiness. Despite the fact that it was received on saturday instead of friday- it certainly made up for the pain i felt on actually valentines day which was on the friday.

So, where do i begin. How do i write about valentines day without sounding bitter or inhumane? How do i talk to all the other girls out there who are single and received shit all on this day which represents love?
Well first, i want to start off with saying... its 24 hours. It will pass, and you will wake up tomorrow and you won't feel so alone. Also, i can guarantee that you are not the only girl out there that didn't receive anything, you aren't the only one locked in your room watching the notebook over and over again, and yes, your day will come and your knight in shining armour will one day spoil you on valentines day...its just maybe this year is not your year.

Secondly. who really gives a fuck? i do. I'm not someone that will say, 'don't worry about it' or 'it doesn't matter'.. because it does. Its not just the fact that you are watching everyone being kissed and held, you are watching everyone have what YOU DONT HAVE. and it fucking kills inside.

Thirdly, expect the least. Don't expect him to send you a million roses, or send you lindt chocolates with a large care bear wrapped in a red ribbon. They are false pretences and you will never see them. Movies are bullshit. They lead you to believe that you really do get an oversized teddy and a tiffany and co bracelet. ALL BULLSHIT. So don't expect it. If anything, you give him a rose. Because you get what you give. Its just as hard for him to afford roses as it is for you. But, also don't underestimate. I got a call from 'mr A' on valentines day saying he was sorry that he couldn't be with me but he had work and didn't have time to send me anything. I didn't care. I was lucky to have him in my life and i didn't need a dozen roses to tell me so. But like i said, don't underestimate. Because on the following day i had someone come to my front door with a massive box, with a red ribbon with a little card and chocolates in hand. He had sent me roses and chocolates but knew i wouldn't receive it until the day after valentines day- a true romeo. So instead of letting me expect the worst, he tricked me into thinking that i was receiving nothing. Not that theres anything wrong with that, but it made the gift so much more than what it would've been if i have preempted it.

This leads me to my next topic... "try to refrain from being dependant on your loved one". Because that sinking feeling you have, that gut wrenching pain that you carry with you because you feel like you are going to wind up alone or that beat in the pit of your stomach you have because you never had a high school sweet heart- all comes down to you being dependant on love. Being dependant on that impulse that someone out there will bring you happiness. That only one person out there can make you happy and healthy. NO. you are wrong.

Only you, can save yourself from that pain. Sure its nice to feel loved, and to be held and to be told you're beautiful... but at the end of the day... its going to only be you against the world. Never turn your back on yourself. Someone, again 'Mr A' taught me a very valuable lesson which i now carry with me. He said to me "for you to be able to love someone else, you must first love yourself". Although it sounds like a script from the bible, it is probably to this day, one of most useful and inspirational lessons he has taught me.

Because without being able to love yourself, you don't know what you want. You become this tumbleweed rolling around over everyone, trying to find what you want. You want to be loved but you want distance, you want to be spoilt but don't want someone who is needy, you want someone who is handsome but not stuck up. Sorry to break it to you sweetie, but grow the fuck up. Really, i'm talking to myself here, because yes...i'm that tumbleweed. I have no idea what i want, where i am going in life, and who exactly i want to be with at the end of that aisle.

But back to self love- without knowing who you are and without knowing that you love yourself, you will fall and break every single bone in your body when someone turns around and walks away from you. If you love yourself, someone could through knives at your back, could punch you in the stomach and could rip your heart out, but at the end of the day, you know you are you and there is no one else out there that can change that. There is no body out there that can make you hate yourself or make you feel sad for yourself. Only you, in your mind, can make you feel that way so position yourself to love that. Love yourself. If its the only piece of information you take away from my blog, let it be that. Love yourself, and trust me, it will lead you to a whole other life.

Yes, i am talking from experience. I had a high school sweetheart for 2 years only for it to vanish into thin air after 3 weeks of separation. I beat myself up for it, i only remembered the good parts and not the bad, i told myself i wasn't worth anyone else and i hated myself for letting it go. I could talk for hours about how i felt sorry for myself and how i tried to repair our damaged relationship but that wouldn't help you or me. Whats in the past, is in the past- let it fucking go.

So, to wrap this essay up ill finish with a quote.
So you want to be happy? then stop letting the smallest things ruin your day. if you're bored with your daily routine, do something unexpected. Stop complaining about how alone you are when you're surrounded by people who care about you. forget all the drama and let go of your grudges you've been holding onto. take a risk for once. let yourself be happy, because you deserve it. Love yourself, appreciate what is yours and aspire to be a better person tomorrow. You can only go up from here kid.

Until next time x

Be careful, you might sign your life away

Earlier on, i received an abrupt awakening from my beloved real estate agent. Now to give you a bit of background before i dive in, i have moved out of my rental, our lease ran out. I moved to sydney from brisbane, hense leaving the house, cleaned and keys all returned.
Instead of leaving my rental behind and moving on with the next chapter in my life, turns out we have 'accidentally' or in my heart 'been scammed' into signing another lease until 2015!

Oh how this cloud above my head just does not want to pass on and let the sunshine in.

So after many calls to and fro from each tenant and out agent, turns out that theres not much we can do. Four 18 year olds have yet again, managed to fuck up simple paper work and ended up with another load of bullshit on their shoulders!

However, although my signature is on all the pages and yes, i have apparently signed myself over to the devil and gotten myself into a deep rut, i still question how this came to be.

What i thought i was signing- a notice to vacate (form 13 for all those who need to keep this form in mind, so you dont end up where i am) apparently has now turned into a new lease agreement.

So as an 18 year old with my head buried in the clouds, i now should where a big DUNCE hat on my head as it is clear that i did not read what i was signing, and i trusted that what i was doing was right. So i big WARNING message to all new renters out there, please please please, i cannot stress to you enough to double- even triple read what you are signing. Because yes, that fancy little signature you have been practicing on napkins since you were 10 - DOES IN FACT MEAN SOMETHING!

Unfortunately, i had to learn the hard way, and i am paying for it and will be paying for it until i find new tenants for the house.
But although it has also taught me a lesson that although what they say may be correct- they however could be cheating me- and with nothing to lose, why shouldnt i fight this.

So, in the next few days- i will through my head up, put on my best suit (probably just another pair of shorts and a nice shirt) and go to tribunal or as i like to call it REAL ESTATE COURT. *cue law and order sountrack*
This could go two ways, i could win or i could lose- but like i said, with nothing to lose i dont see why i shouldnt give it a crack.

So wish me luck, im going to need it.
But please, read this, take it in... because i never thought it would happen to me. I consider myself a wise girl, who reads everything- but now is proven, that even those who think they have handled everything can really end up - how my dad likes to say 'royally fucked'.

Ciao my fellow bloggers,
I'll be in touch x

Leap and the net will appear? or so you hope..

So, in all a space of 12 months, i have graduated school, started and completed my first year at uni, worked full time and moved out of home.
As luxurious as the life out of home and as a uni students seems, i think its time that some us are faced with the harsh realisation that its not all its cracked up to be.
As i first moved out of home, as you do when you leave the nest, you are thrown in the deep end.
Bills, money, fines, money, clubbing, money, food, money- everything is weighed out and your life seems to revolve around nothing but money.
This is where i made my mistake.
I revolved my life around counting dollars and making sure i was financially stable and i forgot to live my life as a free spirited 18 year old. I worked by the hour all day every day, i ate as little as possible and i refrained from leaving my front door of my newly rented home. Not even a home i should add... more of a meth lab, in fact, it could almost be seen as a squatters house.
Anyway, back on track, you can watch as many movies or be told as many times that it is the best thing to do, but let me say this once and once only BE PREPARED.

Yes, its a brutal wake up call, when you are lying on a mattress in your dusty 5mx5m room eating nothing but 2 minute noodles and a large flat pepsi and watching your bank account clock down to $0.
Its not fun and no, its not easy. But it does make you aware and for me, it made me a strong and independent person.

As i sat alone, after finishing work at 1 am and stumbled home and had to break in through the back window to my house (as i had previously left my keys inside the house) i was finally in bed. No, there were no pretty lights or glamorous painting and a home cooked meal for me waiting. I went straight to bed, freezing as there was no heating in the house and hoped that i would just pass out.

Instead, on nights like this, i spent all night staying up late, contemplating- where do i go from here?
And trust me, it will happen to you too.

Where did i go from there? Well i chose to see the light in things. I was 18, i had my own rental, i had a job - although strenuous- which i loved. i had caring parents, i had a loving boyfriend and although life seemed pretty shit, i had it pretty good as well.

So i focused on the positives. and let me tell you, its fucking hard to do when all you can see is darkness.

I worked my ass off, and in a few months, paying rent was no longer an issue. I actually began eating out sometimes, and i was out clubbing almost every night after work when i could. Life seemed great- not amazing- just greater than what it was.

I focused on uni, although i hated what i was studying, it helped ease the pain of being away from home and took my mind off the miserable moods that i constantly found myself in. Uni- is something ill write in another blog- its a whole other world which i need to go into more depth on.

Back to living out of home. Another little one of lifes lessons- NEVER MOVE IN WITH FRIENDS
it will either make or break you. Not that i am not friends with the people i moved in with now- its just- i wouldnt say that we are all that close- and frankly, i dont mind that. Moving in with people you know, you see a whole other side to who they are and in return, they see a whole other side to you, a side in which you probably dont want them to know, but seeing as you live with them, you cant afford hide it.

Eventually, they see you when you're ugly, when you're moody, when you're drunk- they see everything. They find out that the happy girl who was always laughing in class, actually cries herself to sleep at night. They see that the girl who always had her uniform ironed and her hair done nicely- never washed her dishes until a week after they were used. The real you, is unfortunately on display to them.

so like i said earlier... are you prepared for this to happen to you?

Now, i havent touched on leaving the nest. Mum and dad, amazing people. But as a young, wild and liberated teenager, i wanted to flee. i wanted to prove to the world that yes- i can do this. yes- i am old enough to handle the deep end and yes- i am ready.
No No NO NO NO, i was terribly wrong. well.... not entirely wrong, but most parts yes, i was wrong.
i wasnt ready, who was i kidding? i was 18! i still am 18 and i can see how stupid i was. Although when i look back on living out of home, i hold the most amazing memories, i am back living with my parents- DO I NEED TO SAY MORE?
They are your protectors, they always have been. They dont judge you, they help you, they are there when you need them most. and boy oh boy, do i appreciate it now. Those nights where i was stuck in the city and couldnt afford a cab home, it was my fault. Those nights where i couldnt afford to eat or i simply couldnt be bothered to cook, that was my fault. Those nights where i didnt know how to replace a light bulb or i didnt know how to fix the over frosted freezer, that was my fault. I wasnt ready and i sure didnt know how to live out of home.
I leaper and the net DID. NOT. APPEAR.
Your mum and dad are here for you, whether you like it or not. And no its not embarassing living back at home, its mature. I acknowledged that i wasnt saving money and i was being stupid and that it was time to start acting smart. I needed to assess where i was and where exactly i was going from where i was and all i could see was grey mess.

Whether this happens to you i dont know, you may be ready, you may have it all figured out, but for people like me, sometimes its not all rainbows and sunshine and some times you just have to sit back and go ' wow, i fucked up'.

Its okay, its human.

But dont let this stop you from reaching out and moving away. Honestly, it made me who i am today, it taught me a lot of lessons. Lessons that i am paying for physically, mentally and financially, but it was worth it.
I hold so many memories from the year that i lived out of home that i mind is overflowing with blogging ideas.
It was an ugly truth that i had to move back home, but living out of home had its rays of sunshine hidden in the storm. I met some amazing friends- friends that i will have for life. I experienced drunken nights out which i was able to have because i didnt have parents to go home to and i lived like an absolute pig because- why the hell wouldnt i? I didnt have anyone telling me off, it was my house and my freedom and i lived however the hell i wanted to. And so should you.

Im just telling you to be careful, be prepared and dont have too many high expectations. And if you are leaving home for the first time, dont go crying to mum and dad when you're down. Be responsible for you. Prove to yourself and everyone else that you can handle it. Liberate yourself- make something out of it. Do me a favour and fight to see the light at the end. LIVE.

Run out of money, have no way home, eat 2 minute noodles- trust me, they will be the best and worst moments of your life, but they will become awesome memories.

okay, enough rambling on. My cat wants his belly rubbed and i have a half block of dairy milk hazelnut chocolate which is calling me!

So adios fellow bloggers and whoever else is reading. It wont be long until i need to vent again and furiously type some more cliche and quirky posts! x

Red hair, green eyes and words ready to be heard

Blogging. Never really understood the idea of it, how to begin and who exactly is going to read an 18 year olds soppy diary entries..
But here i am. On a cliche website with a fancy headline and a aesthetically pleasing background, needless to say, i think i have done well so far... now to the hard part.. actually writing something.

So as the heading suggests, i have always had something to say or i have wanted to say. Some days i think i could write books and other days, i cant even piece together a sentence without getting blocked. So bear with me because i can almost guarantee there are a few blogs which make entirely no sense at all!

Firstly, why am i here? What is my point i want and desperately need to get across so badly?
Well- im young, ive fucked up almost every day, ive moved out of home and moved back home, ive worked full time, ive gone to uni, ive passed out in an alley and i have also had my heart broken- so basically its my 101 for teenagers on how to not 'fuck up' so badly or at least be some kind of metaphorical shoulder to lean on.
I have had those moments in my short lived life where i sit back and go, 'i wish someone had warned me' or 'i wish someone knew how i was feeling' or 'surely, im not the only one who has done this'. So, out came the birth of this blog and hopefully, i can resonate with some people and my voice will finally be heard.

So, with a beer in my hand and a belly full of mi-goreng- heres to the future of blogging! wish me luck. x