So as the day approached, i didn't feel overly pleased that i was going to spend the day alone but i also didn't expect anything, therefore- no expectations= no disappointments.
Little did i know, lets call him 'mr A' for the time being, had sent me a dozen red roses, chocolates and a card down to my new home in sydney, for valentines day. Although, arriving a day late- made up for the loss which i felt on valentines day. Yes, i was spoilt. And like almost every other girl who received some sort of gift on valentines day, i was full to the brim with happiness. Despite the fact that it was received on saturday instead of friday- it certainly made up for the pain i felt on actually valentines day which was on the friday.
So, where do i begin. How do i write about valentines day without sounding bitter or inhumane? How do i talk to all the other girls out there who are single and received shit all on this day which represents love?
Well first, i want to start off with saying... its 24 hours. It will pass, and you will wake up tomorrow and you won't feel so alone. Also, i can guarantee that you are not the only girl out there that didn't receive anything, you aren't the only one locked in your room watching the notebook over and over again, and yes, your day will come and your knight in shining armour will one day spoil you on valentines day...its just maybe this year is not your year.
Secondly. who really gives a fuck? i do. I'm not someone that will say, 'don't worry about it' or 'it doesn't matter'.. because it does. Its not just the fact that you are watching everyone being kissed and held, you are watching everyone have what YOU DONT HAVE. and it fucking kills inside.
Thirdly, expect the least. Don't expect him to send you a million roses, or send you lindt chocolates with a large care bear wrapped in a red ribbon. They are false pretences and you will never see them. Movies are bullshit. They lead you to believe that you really do get an oversized teddy and a tiffany and co bracelet. ALL BULLSHIT. So don't expect it. If anything, you give him a rose. Because you get what you give. Its just as hard for him to afford roses as it is for you. But, also don't underestimate. I got a call from 'mr A' on valentines day saying he was sorry that he couldn't be with me but he had work and didn't have time to send me anything. I didn't care. I was lucky to have him in my life and i didn't need a dozen roses to tell me so. But like i said, don't underestimate. Because on the following day i had someone come to my front door with a massive box, with a red ribbon with a little card and chocolates in hand. He had sent me roses and chocolates but knew i wouldn't receive it until the day after valentines day- a true romeo. So instead of letting me expect the worst, he tricked me into thinking that i was receiving nothing. Not that theres anything wrong with that, but it made the gift so much more than what it would've been if i have preempted it.
This leads me to my next topic... "try to refrain from being dependant on your loved one". Because that sinking feeling you have, that gut wrenching pain that you carry with you because you feel like you are going to wind up alone or that beat in the pit of your stomach you have because you never had a high school sweet heart- all comes down to you being dependant on love. Being dependant on that impulse that someone out there will bring you happiness. That only one person out there can make you happy and healthy. NO. you are wrong.
Only you, can save yourself from that pain. Sure its nice to feel loved, and to be held and to be told you're beautiful... but at the end of the day... its going to only be you against the world. Never turn your back on yourself. Someone, again 'Mr A' taught me a very valuable lesson which i now carry with me. He said to me "for you to be able to love someone else, you must first love yourself". Although it sounds like a script from the bible, it is probably to this day, one of most useful and inspirational lessons he has taught me.
Because without being able to love yourself, you don't know what you want. You become this tumbleweed rolling around over everyone, trying to find what you want. You want to be loved but you want distance, you want to be spoilt but don't want someone who is needy, you want someone who is handsome but not stuck up. Sorry to break it to you sweetie, but grow the fuck up. Really, i'm talking to myself here, because yes...i'm that tumbleweed. I have no idea what i want, where i am going in life, and who exactly i want to be with at the end of that aisle.
But back to self love- without knowing who you are and without knowing that you love yourself, you will fall and break every single bone in your body when someone turns around and walks away from you. If you love yourself, someone could through knives at your back, could punch you in the stomach and could rip your heart out, but at the end of the day, you know you are you and there is no one else out there that can change that. There is no body out there that can make you hate yourself or make you feel sad for yourself. Only you, in your mind, can make you feel that way so position yourself to love that. Love yourself. If its the only piece of information you take away from my blog, let it be that. Love yourself, and trust me, it will lead you to a whole other life.
Yes, i am talking from experience. I had a high school sweetheart for 2 years only for it to vanish into thin air after 3 weeks of separation. I beat myself up for it, i only remembered the good parts and not the bad, i told myself i wasn't worth anyone else and i hated myself for letting it go. I could talk for hours about how i felt sorry for myself and how i tried to repair our damaged relationship but that wouldn't help you or me. Whats in the past, is in the past- let it fucking go.
So, to wrap this essay up ill finish with a quote.
So you want to be happy? then stop letting the smallest things ruin your day. if you're bored with your daily routine, do something unexpected. Stop complaining about how alone you are when you're surrounded by people who care about you. forget all the drama and let go of your grudges you've been holding onto. take a risk for once. let yourself be happy, because you deserve it. Love yourself, appreciate what is yours and aspire to be a better person tomorrow. You can only go up from here kid.
Until next time x
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