Black

The following content is of fiction. What has been written is for pure entertainment and literacy purposes only. 

It was too late.
I had broken too many vows and enjoyed my dark abyss too much to consider turning back on it.
My words were lies which leaked from broken lips and my promises were empty.
However, i never thought i'd find myself facing a ceiling on cold tiles.

Drugs weren't my thing.
The thought of escaping into an abyss of something entirely unknown scared the hell out of me.
Although escaping, was the only thing i ever wanted to do.
I tried hiding in dark corners, i tried fading into the crowd and i tried to sink into floorboards of many empty rooms.

I was happy, at one point in my life.
I thought that life was infinite and i forgot that even the strongest of people became weak.
I couldn't see that even the finest piece of glass could be broken by a few stones.

I had aspirations, dreams which i wanted to be reality.
I wasn't realistic, but who is at 16.
I knew where i wanted to go in life, but i didn't realise the control i had, or the power i was given.

I was ignorant.
I found beauty in alcohol and pills.
Cigarettes were mediocre and i wasn't satisfied with just having one drink.
My friends did things i never thought i would catch myself doing.
But when life deals you a ace, you have to play the right hand.

I was given a life, a beauty which i never saw.
I was given many opportunities to say no, but the strength of the unknown was too enticing to turn my back on.

I wanted to know what it felt like to be infinite.
To see a world where the sun is always warm and the days were endless.
I wanted to experience pure ecstasy and i bit off more than i could chew.

I was found choking.
My eyes were open but I was no longer seeing.
I felt my heart racing, but it was 5 times faster than it should of been.
I immediately knew what it was like to feel cosmic.

I enjoyed sunrises.
Where you are finally sober and everything that you once felt comes rushing back.
You become human, and even though i enjoyed the emptiness, it was feeling everything that once hurt me and everything that once made me laugh which made me love being alive.

I lived for sunsets.
Watching another day roll over, and you enter the darkness.
Anything and everything is possible and the only thing looking down on you are a million tiny stars.
I no longer needed to hide, the streets were empty and I was able to embrace a secret solitude.

I was always at house parties with people i hated.
I sat in the darkest corners and watched people live their lives like i should have done.
I became what i drank and i let those shitty little pills dictate my actions.

My words weren't fluent and my eyes were blank.
Although i was there in flesh, my mind was a thousand miles away and thats how i liked it.
I never thought i would be who i am now, but now that i am here, i can't picture being anyone else.

The idea of living life normally, or enduring each day without being on some kind of high didn't satisfy me.
I didn't want to live in a world without it being limitless.
I didn't want to be live in a world without ecstasy.

The tiles were cold.
It was the only thing i could feel.
I stopped doing it with friends, because i realised i could get the same kick doing it on my own.

It was everything i wanted.
Being alone, and letting my mind wonder to another place.
In a few short minutes, i was going from being an averagely functioning human to becoming immortal.
Well i thought so.

I never thought of overdosing.
I never saw myself ending my life.
I wasn't suicidal, but i wasn't against the idea.

I believe in fate and time.
I knew that when my time came, it would be because it was meant to happen.
Many people talk about me like i wanted this.
They say i was 'troubled' and that i became friends with people in the wrong 'crowd'.

People have labels for everything for these days so i let them say what ever they want.
I knew i wasn't troubled or tortured or depressed.
All i wanted was to become something other than what i was, and unfortunately, if you love something too much, it can kill you.

I think back to the times where i would live each day with caution.
Follow societies rules and abide by the law.
Conform to life's little guidelines and endure a life which wasn't infinite.
It wasn't for me, and it was only a matter of time until i realised that.

I was young, i agree.
Maybe i should of studied harder, or loved longer and maybe i would of been happy.
But i wasn't.
I was happiest when i let a pill slide down my throat or let it pierce my nose as i inhaled.
Whatever it was, i wanted it.

I became desperate.
I needed to escape all the time.
Doing it on the weekends wasn't enough anymore, how was i meant to live my life 2 days out of 7?

I guess i regret not saying goodbye.
But it isn't my fault really...
I didn't know that my ending was going to be so soon,
and I didn't realise that death was inevitable.

But as the light dimmed out, and the tap stopped running, i saw their eyes.
They pumped my chest and tapped at my neck, life was measured in heart beats and i no longer had one.
The tiles weren't cold anymore, and my existence perished.

One too many they would say.
And my mother could have cried for weeks but it was never going to bring me home.
The shattered mirror and the ripped shower curtain was my last mark on this earth,
and as the sirens blared from the front of my house, it realised that this was it.

Life comes to you on a silver platter.
Maybe a road map if you are lucky.
I didn't want to follow the paths and i certainly didn't take any directions.

My life was entirely my own, and fuck, did i love every bit of it.
The nights where i danced on roof tops and drank from the moon.
Hours that felt like years and days that passed by when i blinked.

This was it.
I couldn't move, but i didn't fight the struggle either.
In a moment of complete ecstasy and pure infinity, i was living.
I felt my blood surge through my veins and my heart fought against the chaos of my mind.


I smiled.
Giving into what i loved, i let it kill me.
I was forever infinite and there was nothing that i wanted more.
This was it, finally an eternal escape.
It was black.