"I wish i hadn't waited until i was about to pee my pants that yes, it was time to go to the bathroom. Typical- the girls line is out the door and i am now going to have to hold on for another 15 minutes to just get my head in the door. Why are the boys toilets ALWAYS free, no line, in and out. Surely, if i just sneak in and use a cubical they won't mind...Okay, f*** it, i'm going in. F***, is that what i look like, i can't even right now. OMG, how drunk am i? This toilet is too warm its going to make me vomit, okay get it together, i can't even stand up.. Tequila, i blame you. No toilet paper? No problem, i got this. How long have i been in here for?"
#1 Shy converted Confident
We all have that one friend. They are really hard to convince to get out of the house, at the beginning of the night they are swinging their keys in their hand like they are driving home which means NO booze and they are the only ones you actually want to come out because you know after a few rumbo's and tequila shots- they are the life of the party.
Sure, they may be hard to ease into a conversation and they aren't the best people and introducing to your friends and they stand awkwardly at the bar and whisper the first order to the bartender. They obviously don't like the idea of crowded areas and loud music, but thats when you come into play. After texting back and forth all day, and promises being made that you'll stay with them all night and forcing them to come out, they finally give in every now and then. These are the nights that are usually the best.
So after a few shots and splutters and 'casual' drinks, you haul their ass out to a club and finally you let that demon run free. They shyness is pushed to the back of their head and their ego has gotten the best of them. Their 'mojo' is in control and you no longer have to guide them. Instead- they are picking up and dragging people over to meet you- people that they don't even know.
The dance floor is no match for them- they own the night. The camera guy loves them, they have photos with thousands of people around them and they are the ones dancing on tables and yelling "SHOTS' at the bar.
However, be careful of your new over confident friend because they can also get themselves into trouble. If someone just so 'bumps' them or breathes under their breathe about them, it can turn sour very quickly. And your shy friend that doesn't usually talk let alone raise a fist- all of a sudden wants a fight- and its only going to end badly for one person. YOU.
#2 Obnoxious, Sleezy and Everything Creepy
This is mainly for the guys.
These are the guys that have come with a group of mates purely to just pick up. They are hunters- mean and eager- too eager. They are usually way too old for you, and they're pick up lines are way too common that you can finish their sentence for them. They buy you a drink (generous), however, after they buy you this drink, they assume they now own you and continue to do so all night long. If you are into this... go for gold. But in my case- not so much my thing. They are so drunk that when they talk to you, all you can smell is what they have been drinking and they can't even look you in the eyes. Slurry words, lazy eyes and cheap compliments are the biggest turn offs.
I don't know who you think you are, or what you think you are doing, but grabbing my ass, breathing on my neck or doing anything to burst my personal 'bubble' is considered the above ^.
Just because i like to look nice when i go out, does not mean it gives you immediate access to my waist, behind, hand or anything to do with me at all- unless i give you permission to do so.
This also means no lurking, staring, following or obsessive stalking.
Do not follow me or just so happen to 'run' into me at the bar, dance floor, toilet, 7/11 etc.
I know who you are, i know what your game plan is and boy- you are coming on wayyyyy to strong.
Ease up turbo- give it a rest. Go have a drink with your mates- play it cool. No girl is ever going to want someone that obsessive- its repulsive and creepy and the only guy i would look at other than you is security- to haul you the heck away from me.
#3 Just wanna shake that thang
The ultimate party friends. Alcohol is their best friend- however they are only there for the music. These are the people who don't ditch you to go home with somebody at the end of the night, they don't end up with black eyes or in the back of paddy wagons- they are crazy clean fun and constantly remind you that "this is their jam".
Time after time, you get tired of holding peoples hair back and dragging people away from police and texting the person your with where they are only to find out they left 3 hours ago.
If you have people like this in your life - you need to get some "Just wanna shake that thang" alcoholic friends.
These friends are the best people to go out with, because they are confident but not egotistical- they have old school dance moves that match every single song that is played, and even when the dance floor is empty- they aren't afraid to show you what their mama gave them.
Cudos to them- without people like this, dance floors would be empty and we would forget how to dance like sprinklers.
#4 D and M
I am going to start with saying, you have to be in the mood for these drunks.
If you are in the mood- excellent! Vent some old school memories, the hate you have for that friend you came out with, how heart broken you are and whatever you need to do.
However, if you are NOT in the mood and a D and M drunk wants to talk for hours about love, life and how the universe came to be- you're going to wish you never came out and you have never sobered up so quickly before in your life.
D and M drunks are also not usually permanent. These friends are the ones that are usually one of the other 5 i have mentioned, but have had something happen to them lately in their life that they get so drunk, everything they have bottled up inside comes pouring out.
It is then up to you, whether or not you want to be there for your friend or not. If they are never there for you- understandable to let them go, but if they always have your back- give them and ear or shoulder and give the night a rest.
D and M drunks can also be sub categorial. Sometimes they don't want to vent about disasters, torture and misery. Sometimes they want to talk about sports, their new job or rave about their new relationship/crush. Either way, if you get stuck with them you have two choices.
To listen it out or to bail- either way, the night is yours.
#5 Toilet Bowl Inspector
There isn't much to say about this drunk. But two words pretty much sums this one up.
"Game Over".
Whether its at pre's, the middle of the night or in a bush on the walk home- these friends have peaked and they are tagging out.
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