16 months

We were young.

Everyone always is when they first fall in love truly for the first time.

You were my best friend, but now i don't know if that was even a lie.

Your hair was brown and you shaved the sides because you wanted to be more masculine. I held your hand when you drove around in your car for the first time when you got your license and i held your knees when you were sitting on your skateboard.

I faced you instead of the crashing waves and you looked past my head into the sunset. I should've known then, that i was always looking in the wrong direction.

I miss the insides of your pockets in your hoodies. Old fleece and strays of tobacco from your cigarette packets. They kept my hands warm, not by heat but just being closer to you than anyone else had been.

We didn't know what was ahead of us. We were just two teenagers, looking up at the sky on a cold february night. So no, you didn't give me flowers, or chocolates. You gave me the moon and the stars. 

I remember your hands when we woke up in the mornings. They would wander all of me, searching for comfort. I was always there. I shouldn't have been. 

You curled up when you were tired and you would burrow into my chest listening to my heartbeat. Your cheeks were warm and your eyelashes battered against my skin. 

And if we were really lucky, it would start to rain. 

At graduation you looked so handsome. You were wearing your suspenders like i asked, it was the nicest thing you had ever done for me. Says a lot now really. 

It was one of the happiest moments of my life that night. We were about to embark on our life together, out of school and eventually out of home too.

I moved. You stayed behind. That was the beginning of the end. 

We tried. The late night phone calls and the weekend sleepovers that were once a week and then it became once month.

I don't like to blame the end of us on the distance because its pathetic. Its a cliche and to say that we gave up on love because we lived 2 hours away from each other is heartbreaking. 

I thought we were meant for each other. But we aren't. And its taking me some time to realise that, although you already have. It won't be okay for a while and no one has really ever defined how long a 'while' is. 

I may call you when I'm drunk or hearing 'our' song, but i promise that the day that i don't, will be the day that i am finally over you. That day will be too late and i am so curious as to what it will feel like to be free again. 

I will remember you, but i can't promise that i won't try to forget you. I love you. You were a great person, because you taught me to love but you are also now teaching me to recover. Something that cannot be taught through textbooks or mother daughter talks. 

If you read this, god knows what will happen. But i guess its the truth and i cannot bury it any longer. Its my final two cents and i can let go of the past. Something i should of done 6 months ago.