Back to square one

I always thought that by having a certain someone, you would find comfortability in yourself. Having someone interested in you and you go out of your way to willingly dedicate yourself to someone, somehow redefines you. Although, some would argue, being involved with someone gives you a new agenda. Whether we like it or not, we become pieces of the people we become attached to and purely out of our control, we lose little pieces of ourselves in the process. 

I'm not actively involved in the dating world, nor am I in a relationship. I'm not a feminist or an enthusiast of one night stands, however, after entering a time of being classified as 'single', i have also been forced to not only meet new people, but also 're-meet' myself. 

Its funny, how we lose sight of ourselves when we are looking at someone else. 

I would like to believe that I am someone who has always stayed grounded, always held my individuality as a prized possession. But, no one can guarantee that you aren't going to meet someone one day and lose sight of what made you unique to begin with.

It's easy to get blinded.
Especially when you open up to everything and everyone, you become susceptible to your company's behaviour and without knowing, parts of you change.

I guess this is the hardest thing about breakups, deaths and any part of letting go of something. Because although you generally are distant from someone or something, parts of you, which weren't there before, remind you of them.

The way you say something, or laugh at certain things or recognise a certain smell- all play a part in trying to rekindle with yourself. You start to notice that although you thought you were still generally your own person, you became someone else. When that moment becomes obvious to you, you feel a little betrayed.

I don't know if betrayed is the right word, but I somehow felt stupid. To think that someone or something could alter your personality or emotions without your permission, is like robbing a kid of its candy.

But this isn't about love or heartache, its about reconnection. Realising that when you are alone, may be the best time to grow. I was always reminded when I was little, that you can grow yourself in other people.

I think it's wrong to think you can grow inside someone else. You can exist and be remembered, but i refuse to believe that you, as a person, can grow because of someone else.

I believe that as an individual, you have to be able to grow inside yourself. You have to know your rights and wrongs, your strengths and weaknesses. You have to be able to recognise that when you act indifferent to the person you used to be, can be either a negative or positive change.

It's been a few weeks of re-evaluation, realising what makes me happy and what makes me get out of bed in the morning. It's really hard, trying to pinpoint happiness. Trying to involve yourself in things that genuinely make you feel good inside.
What was hardest, was not trying to 'find' these things, but it was trying to keep them around.

It's easy to identify the things that make you happy, but it is the most difficult thing in life trying to maintain a life which actively involves these things constantly.

And the truth is? You can't.

Life is designed to weigh us down every now and then. Happiness isn't rare, but it isn't consistent either.

Discovering this, I discovered myself. I was open to the idea of failing and realising that it was okay to be confused and upset about certain things. I guess that is the best part about moving on and growing up. It still is the best part about my life right now.

It's accepting the unknown. It's being prepared for the worst so when it comes around, it will seem like the best.

I made friends with myself again and realised that time alone, was time well spent. That at the end of the day, whether you be arm in arm with a lover, family member or object, that you can still be yourself. That you will be entirely comfortable realising that you have your own back and that, for me, is the most important thing.

Realising that when you love yourself, and accept even your darkest corners that it radiates out of you. That when you reserve time for yourself- it doesn't mean that you have no friends, or that you should be scared to be alone with your own thoughts. It means that you are given a time to readjust, to pull yourself back on track.

Everyone is their own person, and when you are given a chance to be your own person and establish your ground again....embrace that.

Time is everything, although some say we don't have a lot of it- use as much as you can when it comes to rediscovering who you are.

Not all of us are 'lost' or letting go or trying to 're-meet' ourselves. I wouldn't consider myself lost or any of the above- however, there are times when I realise I am more parts of someone else, than I am parts of me.

And sometimes, whether its fate or choice, I am given the opportunity to hit refresh and return back to basics. Spend time with family and friends and recognise who I am again.

Sometimes, being pushed back to square one isn't necessarily a bad thing- in fact, sometimes it can be best thing that can happen to you.

That's all for now
x YDNR