Flaws and All

There was something that happened,

literally I changed overnight.

It scares me to think that this could be a temporary confidence,

or this new alter ego could change who I am completely.

Maybe, I just grew up and nobody knows when it happens, 

but when it does happen, 

you certainly know. 

Whether its heartbreak, relocation or change of appearance- when you wake up one morning and you realise that you don't care about certain things like you used to, a part of you questions whether or not this is it.

Is this the time where life has finally kicked in and I am free to think and feel entirely on my own?

In my nineteenth year, i would like to think i still have some childish hues in me, but recently apart from over drinking and under-thinking- i am starting to think that i have hit a wall and realised that i don't care as much as i did a couple months ago about particular things. 

"Not caring" is a little bit brutal. Don't consider me as a heartless wench who is arrogant and thinks her shit doesn't stink- because that would be misinterpreting what I am trying to say.

 It's more- I stopped sweating the small stuff. The 'small' stuff in my life became irrelevant and I realised that the things that broke me earlier on in life - I now saw as things that created gaps in my that allowed light to shine through. 

Pessimist or Optimist, I think I view my glass half full and there is really no evidence of when i became this way.

Maybe I could track it back to a particular moment, or time or event- but I can't. I wish I could, but then if I knew when it was going to happen- would it have happened.... I don't know. 

It's just an odd occurrence... and I can openly confess that this year hasn't been all rays of light. 

Through my blog- it has been undoubtedly noticeable that through my writing I have suffered dark patches in my life- which i stress- is normal.

I'm not and i cannot guarantee that i am the happiest as i can be right now, sure i am stressed and get overwhelmed and life could be a little clearer- but with everything that is going on around me, i feel like i am probably the most stable i have been in a long time. 

Life seemed overly complicated and I had a lot of people reminding me to just relax. It bothered me to think that I wasn't relaxed....ever.

I couldn't talk myself into relaxing or de-stressing and no matter how many times i tried to forgive and forget certain things in my life- it still seemed pretty miserable. 

I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew that I didn't want to live that life anymore. 

It wasn't a choice. Maybe it was? I am entirely at a loss of how I can explain this to you. All i know is that one day you wake up and realise that there are bigger and better things to furrow your brow over and that work becomes important, your goals become clearer and you realise that the respect you have for yourself- dominates everything.

Self-realisation, respect and love- probably the biggest thing I can highlight out of this. 

Its a self-appreciation, and when you learn to appreciate your values and qualities- so will others.

Nothing is more attractive than someone who knows that they are completely who they are meant to be and it is a huge part about growing up. Realising that even though you aren't a supermodel or the smartest, funniest kid in the sandbox, you are still unique.

It's a quality everyone has, and it is your choice whether or not you choose to see that and make that quality shine.

You are allowed to be confused and disorientated about who you are, it just means that you are still discovering who you are and who you want to become. 

But when you realise that makeup, friendship status and what other people think of you, doesn't represent who you are- then you are reaching that moment in your life of accepting who you are- and loving every part of it.

We can't prevent emotions, events and change.

We can anticipate the above and expect that life won't always be linear. 

If we saw how life bent for us, we wouldn't learn from the same mistake 3 times and we wouldn't have that scar near our eye. 

Life causes flaws and it is our job to accept them in our own time.

That's all for now!

Thanks again x