“I am alone in the midst of these happy, reasonable voices. All these creatures spend their time explaining, realizing happily that they agree with each other. In Heaven’s name, why is it so important to think the same things all together.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre
There is nothing I can say nor do that will never consequentially affect myself or others around me. In return, how I feel will always be dictated by my surroundings and who I associate myself with.
Love is always quite a reserved topic. Essentially, I am afraid of confrontation and judgement and that maybe my words will either offend some or be considered childish by others.
Terrified, writing about how I feel and how my life is constantly a whirlpool of emotions, talking about things that are close to home becomes a potential war zone which openly invites others into my mind.
I am neither an adequate poet or a respected counsellor, my words are cruel and true and sometimes they reflect my innermost thoughts that scream louder than I want to be heard.
But I told myself before I started all this that what I had to say, I believed should be heard and I shouldn't be afraid nor persuaded to change my mind for the likes of others.
It will never be easy.
Guy or girl, young or old we are always going to want to love and be loved in return. Humanity on its own demands love to be felt, whether it be with another human, pet or object, love will always exist and it will always come hand in hand with other emotions- in particular pain.
I guess this is where I begin.
A love for many is a love used too often. A typical recurring mistake I tend to make and a mistake that I have also not yet learnt to overcome. Whether it's my personality or a trait that I have grown up with, I have always learnt to see the good in others.
My lesson to be learnt is that how I feel and how I act upon my feelings should not be controlled nor should I allow the judgements of others opinions, on my actions, affect my emotions.
I was told a couple months ago that people are always entitled to their own opinion. I can't assume that people are always going to agree with my choices and I can't expect everyone to understand my reasoning for particular motives.
I also can't assume that people will always hold their tongue and I should expect that people are going to want to voice their opinions whether it be beneficial towards me or not.
It was as soon as I understood this (which keep in mind, took me a few months), that I found clarity.
I guess, as a blossoming teenager that is discovering the ins and outs and do's and don'ts of friendships and relationships, that I have wanted to find an easier option than to suffer under silence.
Yes, I have made mistakes and yes, sometimes what I say isn't always set in stone and yes, sometimes I will lie in saying that I feel one thing but truly feel the opposite.
But I think the biggest thing for myself at current, is realising that how others dictate my life is unhealthy. How people's emotions and thoughts fight against my own and i fail to remain positive.
I allow the voices of others to change my voice and I allow people to make subconscious decisions in my head.
I was blind to the idea that asking for help and guidance is sometimes a negative thing. I used to think that everyone was harmless and people's opinions were only healthy because I believe that people genuinely wanted to help me.
It's a bit sad to realise that really, your own true thoughts and voice should really be the only thought you trust and to just go with your gut.
Sure, its a terrible thing to not believe and trust those who love and support you, but it can also be selfish of them to think that you should do what they say because it's right for them or they believe it's the right thing in their mind, to do.
In my head, I've found it a very confusing place to be in times of emotional relapses.
I seek the opinions of others but whilst doing that, I lose my own voice and my own thoughts and my happiness then becomes dependent on an opinion that is not my own.
It's not easy and I finding it to be challenging,
but keeping my own voice and trying to remind myself that my opinion and choices are entirely made up to my own accord will be worth it in the end.
People experience different emotions, people lead different lives and most certainly more than anything, people are made up entirely of different 'stuff'.
What we think, what we do and how we act individually, although can resemble one another, will never be entirely the same.
What I realised, although hard to accept entirely, is that no matter how close someone may be to my heart or no matter how much trust I bed within someone- they will never understand me fully.
My actions, my words and my feelings should never reflect that of someone completely. I may take pieces of the people around me and add them to my own inner, but i will never again, live a life according to those of others.
What I do, how I act and how I go about making decisions and living my life will be entirely my own choice.
This way,
with love, health and whatever else life throws at me, I will be able to face things 100% on my own and I think that is the most crucial characteristic a person should have.
I may lean on a shoulder or call a friend, but at the end of the day, my voice will be genuine, I will never doubt anything that I do and I will always trust that no matter what I hear or see, that my own actions and voice is entirely organic to me.
So, although the famous quote goes along the lines of "you can't really understand another person's experience until you've walked a mile in their shoes", I believe in my own.
You can fit in my shoes and walk a mile in them, with direction the same and a steady pace, the way we walk will always be different.
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